It is that time of the year, again, not even Halloween or Thanksgiving, but the catalogs for Christmas shopping are rolling in. I know these businesses just have our best interest at heart wanting us to have a stress free Christmas by getting all our shopping done early. Or in other words that filled the house on Sunday, “I WANT AN AMERICAN GIRL DOLL!”. Funny, my strong need for some calming drugs kicked in immediately after, hence the stress free Christmas. Are you listening Santa?
Most of these catalogs end up in the basket in the bathroom. You know for some light reading when you are….um….busy. Not what those companies expected, but it is better than quick death by trash can. Everyone has their favorites. Sam loves the Halloween catalogs that started arriving in August. Amber loves the American Girl catalog that only seem to arrive around Christmas. A little word of advice to the American Girl company, you might want to start early so I can save up a little instead of cracking open the kids’ college funds. SoHubby doesn’t get many of his favorite catalogs anymore since Sam seems to have taken interest in the girls in “bikinis”. Those meet the aforementioned quick death. Mine is Pottery Barn and Williams-Sonoma.
We all have our reasons for liking whichever catalog. I am assuming it is the daydreams that each catalog brings to light for that person flipping through. If only Amber had an American Girl her life would be perfect, no more troubles at school, everyone would like her and her brother would leave her alone. If only Sam had that kick ass Halloween costume and decorations his world would be perfect, no more troubles at school, no more being forced to eat garbage (for the record, my son thinks anything other than Kraft mac and cheese, chicken nuggets and McDonald’s is garbage), and his big sister would not scream whenever he came within 10 feet of her possessions. We won’t go into SoHubby’s fantasies daydreams. His mind is a scary place to be, so I stay away as much as possible. For me, if only my whole house looked like Pottery Barn and I had every gadget from Willams-Sonoma my life would be perfect, no more financial worries (do you get the irony of that statement?), no more yelling at the kids, no more being tired, etc., etc., etc., etc. I would become freakin Donna Reed and suddenly a picket fence would pop up in our front yard. A picket fence that would be able to keep out the gators and coyotes.
Alas, when I get in these daydreaming types of situations my logical brain stands up, loudly slams it’s fist on the table and screams “WAKE UP! “ in my ear. Or maybe it just thrusts me back to the beginning of our marriage. I am not sure if this is how it went down, but I have condensed all these discussions into one. I am sitting in our glider upstairs holding a screaming baby Amber and having SoHubby talk in that “be calm, don’t move quickly or she will attack” tone. He tells me that there are millions of women out there “doing it all” and happy. Then I lunge at him and scratch his eyes out. No, not really, but I do explain that we never truly know what goes on behind those beautifully painted front doors of those beautifully kept lawns in those serene neighborhoods. I mean hasn’t every interview regarding a serial killer started out, “He seemed so normal and never bothered anyone.” Except for the few hundred people he had buried in his back yard. So I decided to give all of you a behind the scenes look at all those perfect catalog pictures:
This is a cry for help, really.
You may see a loving way to show off pictures of love ones and CDs.
The truth is I snapped these babies up, along with the majority of the Bargain Hunting Board,
at a great sale price to store my unwillingness to try new technology.
I bought these with every intention to hold all my CDs and the ones I still buy, because
I will be DAMNED, if I am giving in and spending money to buy the same music in digital form.
Also, this was my first major purchase from Pottery Barn and SoHubby’s first venture into
the Honey-Do list and making up new swear words.
These are ledge shelves. They look so sleek and homey, don’t they.
I had the bright idea, which came shortly after the purchase of the “grid”,
to get these shelves to display pictures and books.
You see we don’t have room for a coffee table or sofa table, so this was our best option.
While these shelves look nice and well thought out placed, I wouldn’t get too close to that last shelf there.
Matter of fact, I wouldn’t even blow on it.
It is not so steady nor straight.
And if you are taller than most children, don’t look at that top shelf.
I may not have been dusting it so well, because I am horizontally challenge.
Don’t miss all those strategically placed books that make us look smart, especially that Louvre book
written in French and actually bought in France at the Louvre.
And you might want to skip over the collection of Calvin and Hobbes and Far Side books.
Although, those are the only books anyone ever takes off a shelf to read.
I will just leave it at that.
And now I would like to present our pride and joy.
Many stories come with this sofa.
While picking it out, SoHubby parked his butt on the one in the store and almost fell asleep,
I proceeded to show my boob to everyone at our local Pottery Barn (I guess it was okay, because there was a baby attached),
and the delivery process was one that would cause much trauma but would end in a $1000 gift certificate from Pottery Barn.
Many times when I am down and can’t face the world, I think of that gift card and remember every wonderful second of picking
out exactly which items I would purchase.
You can see 6 of those items on the sofa.
While this sofa looks like it would make all of the day’s stresses fall away, and it does, it does present stresses of it’s own.
Just the mere cost of this thing (most expensive piece of furniture in our home) makes me twitch when the kids come near it.
There are spots that cause me to drift off into many questions, like, who did this, good G-d what could this be, how can I get this off
my perfection of a sofa, and finally why oh why did I ever think to buy such a great sofa when there are kids in the house.
This sofa has taught us one big lesson, if you want nice things don’t have kids, or, at least, wait until they are out of the house.
Sofa cushions can only be turned once.
Look at that GREAT playroom rug. I mean wouldn’t you spend hours and hours driving your cars all over the streets and railroad.
The best part of this rug was it was free. Yeah, FREE!!
It was bought with my blood gift card.
When I saw it, I knew I had to have it. You know for the kids.
I just knew if I had this rug that the kids would play nice and keep the room clean at all times.
Um, it didn’t quite work out that way, as you can tell from the picture above.
And Sam has never run is cars or trains on the roads and tracks, although there have been some artistic expressions on the rug.
A couple of other items I purchase with my gift card that I was sure would provide the perfect space for my little angels
to be creative, play happily and stay out of my hair for hours on end.
With these curtains and rod there would never be anyone complaining how bored they are and no one would for sure
mistake this as a climbing or swinging structure.
Again, I was disappointed.
We are just lucky that the construction crew put these curtains up so the kids didn’t kill themselves while swinging.
Me, on the other hand, has threaten death by mom look many times.
Oh and my theme for the playroom?
Oh the irony of this just keeps getting better and better.
While we were getting curtains that would make our lives perfect, we got some for the living room.
I have to say that these curtains are rather perfect for their purpose, but don’t look too close.
They are pretty from far away, but since I have been putting off cleaning them they are not so perfect up close.
So if you want to judge me just get up close to the curtains and you will see my hidden shame,
dirty curtain bottoms.
Every summer I say I am going to send them to the cleaners, but I just can’t bare to be without them
for a couple of days.
Or it could be that I have gotten use to not having people stare through our back doors at us while we sit
around in our underwear, Al Bundy style, watching trashy TV.
Another lesson, you can buy as many pretty things you want, but your roots always shine through.
As you can see that by buying pretty things from catalogs won’t make your life perfect, but they will give the illusion that you got it going on and isn’t that all that matters? However, to keep up the charade you need to never invite people over and never, NEVER, open your mouth. I guess I failed to mention the illusion of perfection is lonely, boring and hard work, which is why we fail at it as much as we can.
I did find something that fits perfectly in our home. I couldn’t believe it when SoHubby held it up for my approval. And you won’t believe how much it cost:
This little gem sums up this house perfectly and anyone can get one at your local Dollar Store.
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