This Ain’t Your Mama’s Hurricane

When I was a kid we didn’t evacuate for hurricanes and, definitely, not for tropical storms.  Actually, we were happy for the breeze and rain.  Sure we had power outages, but I don’t remember them being that bad.

My first memory of any kind of evacuation was during Hurricane Andrew in the early 90′s.  I was working at a downtown hotel and they offered us rooms to ride out the storm.  I scoffed.  Why would I want to be easily accessible for the hotel to get more work out of me?  Young and dumb.  We lost power for a couple of hours after the storm.   The sun was out.  I took a nap and by the time I woke up the power was back.  The second and first actual mass exodus from NOLA was Hurricane Georges.  I had stayed with my mom and sick grandma.  We lost power before the storm and didn’t get it back until 3/4 days later.  There was no generator.  Nothing but total darkness at night and heat during the day.

My kids idea of a hurricane will be extremely different than mine.  We have evacuated for several hurricanes since 1998.  Mostly notably, Hurricane Katrina.  Our first experience with a generator would be Gustav.  To be honest the worst part of that was the mess in the house and living only downstairs.  It was not fun, but it wasn’t the worst.  What made it bearable?  The generator and window unit.  We have since “misplaced” the window unit, so we are dealing with the heat.

People, those who don’t live in these hurricane prone areas, tend to believe it is just easy to pick up, leave and then come back.  If you think sitting in hours long traffic, finding a hotel along with thousands of other people and not knowing what is going on at your house, then have at it.  For most it is a difficult decision to leave.  I am torn.  I am glad we stayed, because I was able to keep up with the driving rain that was coming in under our back doors.  I regret staying, because we are still without power and estimated time of restoration is 5-7 days away.  The main issue is financial.  We could deplete our savings and evacuate and then what happens for the next hurricane.  It is easy to say have an emergency fund.  It is hard when there could be back to back storms, so we take each one based on the information given at the time.  The NHC didn’t know what Isaac was going to do, so how do others out there know for sure what we should  have done.  People made decisions based on what happened to them during Katrina, Gustav, Ivan, etc.  We have evacuated before only to find that not a drop of rain fell.  We made the decision last minute to evacuate for Katrina, because of the information at the time.  You can make the claim that we have so much technology and you have more than enough warning to make a decision on whether to leave or stay, but nothing is perfect and many storms have proven that.  Everyone has to make the decision on their own.  I don’t think we should place blame, but show kindness and a bit of understanding.

The kids have it great compared to my experiences, as a child, without power. We have a generator, which means we can run fans, watch DVDs, charge our phones; laptops; tablet; game systems and have a light to safely guide us to the bathroom.  While we are miserable with the heat and can’t wait to have our power fully restored, it is not as bad as in years past.  Of course, the kids don’t fully understand.  Sam kept asking me why can’t do this or that. And it had to be explained over and over, again, that we didn’t have power to the house.  They don’t understand why I tell them to take a bath or not to use blankets while sleeping.  It is all in an effort to keep them cool and comfortable.

In the end, once our power is restored we will go back to our normal lives.  There will be challenges for awhile, like gas and grocery lines, longer days off of school and no parties on Labor Day.  In the grand scheme of things, it is a small price to pay compared to the price of life that some paid.  I know that the judgments are coming for these people.  I understand their dilemma and their decisions made based on previous experience, like no flooding during Katrina.  This time it was different, like the other times will be different.  Some never lost power, but that doesn’t mean they are saved from never losing power during a storm.  Some will have power restored later than others when they had their power restored earlier than most in previous storms.  We are not naive.  We know where we live and the consequences that come along with that.  There are consequences to everything in life, for some to say dumb things like they have all the answers shows their ignorance.  All I can tell those people is that if you tell me to just move from NOLA, then you don’t know what it means to miss New Orleans and you never will, because it is not simply a town.  It is a way of life and we have chosen to take the consequences because the benefits of our culture are worth it.

And for the record, I will continue to bitch until I have power restored and my a/c back.  If you tell me not to bitch, I might just tell you to shove it.  Understand that might be the heat talking or the fact that I don’t want to hear from you, because you probably have a/c.

Read Full Post »

It is Only the First Week

The kids have gone to school for a full week, now, and the drama has already begun.

Amber is now in middle school.  This brings all kinds of new and exciting adventures, one being the locker.  Oh the excitement there was at getting a locker.  Along with the school supplies there was a whole collection of things you can get to decorate your locker.  This is where I found Amber with her eyes wide open and her mouth drooling.  What would she get?  Where would she put it?  How would these items make her locker an expression of her very being?  I sighed.  Why should I spend good money on items to make her locker look better than our house?  No problem for Amber.  My idea of giving the kids an allowance to teach them about money had backfired on me, because it gave Amber power.  She had power to buy any trinkets her heart desired to make her locker the next Taj Mahal.  Good thing her power is limited to $7.  We left Target.  Me $70 lighter in my wallet from actually school supplies, you know the things needed to help her learn, and Amber with her eyes all aglow and big at the anticipation of getting her locker at Book Day.

Then the drama.  ODD got into the car, one day, and rambled on about the injustice that is being pushed on her and “how life is not fair”.  After I slowed her down to the point where I could understand every other word, I got the story.  It appears that while the kids can decorate the inside of their lockers, they were not allowed to decorate the outside, EXCEPT for the members of the dance team.  WHAT?!  How can this be?  What Elitist regime is this where the dance team get the great privilege of decorating the outside of their lockers, but no one else?   I was assured at the end of this mini in training tangent that I need not worry my little head, because a teacher has taken up the cause and some day the rest of the kids will be able to decorate the outside of their lockers and become equal with the dance team.

Just as my blood pressure had return to normal, I was hit with another “situation” that needed to be remedied right away and the only one to remedy it was ME.  It seems that one of Amber’s locker neighbors has gone full out in the renovation process.  It was a total tear down and rebuild.  There was wallpaper, shelves, chandeliers, rugs and the finest art that one can get miniaturized.  It appears that Amber had moved into the upscale neighborhood, but her house was the last small house from the ’50′s that was never torn down to make way for the next McMansion.   I was informed that I would have to spend my days with locker designers to come up with the perfect space that expressed exactly who Amber is.  I have failed as a mother, because all I got her was a shelf, which is GENIUS, and a small pink basket that was meant for her extra pens and pencils, but instead became the holder for her hairbrush and lip balm.  Will life ever go on?

Sam has brought his own drama, but nothing that exhausts me to the point of girl drama.  Matter of fact, I was proud how well Sam took being scolded by a classmate’s father after Sam had called his son a name.  I have hopes of a drama break with Sam until Evie takes up residence in girl drama land.  I hope in my old age I will gain perspective, but I think I will just lose my ability to care.

Read Full Post »

Rules for an Enjoyable Summer.

I considered the title of Summer Rules, but then you would think I have lost my damn mind.  No, these are rules for my children so that they can have an enjoyable summer and I can make it through summer without my eye twitching uncontrollably.

1. SHUT THE DAMN DOOR!  Look, I went through this with my parents and, now, it is your turn.  Just for the sake of all our sanity shut the freaking door.  It isn’t really that hard and you will save the screaming…at the lizards and frogs that seem to think an opened door is an invitation to come on in and make themselves at home. If I have to come eye to eye with a lizard when I sit down on the sofa to relax, I am going to go homicidal.  On the lizard, of course.

2. Clean up after yourselves.  It is not that hard.  No one cleaned up after you at school and no one will do it at home for you.  What am I? Your mother?  Oh wait!…Scratch that.  I am not your maid, so if you keep missing your mouth while eating or drinking then clean it up.  Summer will be much better without me having a coronary everytime you spill something.

3. Just know that since I gave birth to you and you are at an age where you are capable of doing certain things that means you are my slave.  I know, I know, the Constitution outlawed slavery, but what the government doesn’t know won’t hurt me.  And let’s be honest here, I am doing the bulk of the workload, anyway.  I don’t need to add an hour long discussion on the merits of you taking out the trash to my workload.  Take it out and then you can plant your butt back on the sofa and watch your show while I  continue EVERYTHING ELSE THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE!

4. When I say enough with the My Little Pony show or any other show.  I mean ENOUGH!  There are only a handful of shows that make me want to go sit on the nearest cliff during the windy season and MLP is one of them.  I have enough screeching, whiny little creatures in real life, I don’t need to watch them on TV, too.  And Pinkie Pie needs to go away.  I don’t care where she goes, but either she can go away or get punched in the throat.

5. When I say NO, it is not a signal for you to keep asking me until my head splits in 2 and scream, ” I SAID NO!”.  No means no, even when it is said to child from parent.

6. If I tell you that we can’t go swimming this week, just leave it at that unless you want a lesson in the workings of the female body.  And walking away saying, “OH mom must be on her period” due to the fact that I just yelled at you, “NO MEANS NO!”, doesn’t help the situation.  Just know that soon you will be dealing with the same thing and I have a blog where I can enact my revenge.

7. No cracking out the kids!  This one is for SoHubby.  It is NOT 1978, which means there are other alternatives to Kool Aid to give our children.  I know you think it is funny to get them all jumpy on sugar and leave for work, but just know I have my own form of torture that I can dole out.  See number 6.

8.  If you would like to get home quick from grocery shopping, then don’t whine, complain and fart around while we are grocery shopping.  Making me remind you a million times not to stand directly behind or in front of the shopping cart, to stay with me, or to hurry up picking a toy that you just have to spend your money on takes up precious time that could have been spent racing around throwing random items into the basket so we can go home.

9. Don’t say you are bored, if you don’t want me to make you unbored.  I guarantee that whatever task I give you will be much more painful, in your mind, than the current boredom you are experiencing.  Look, there are baseboards to be cleaned, cabinets to be wiped down, extra school work that can be done, etc that will make that boredom seem like paradise.

10. There will be down days and super busy days.  The less complaining from you ensures we all have a fun summer.  I know all your friends are going on luxury vacations and having the time of your lives while you are stuck here with your parents and siblings, but it is the hand that you have been dealt so just deal with it.  You can always dream of the day when you move out of our house and do all those fun things we never let you do.  Oh and when you are daydreaming about how great your life will be once you are on your own, don’t forget to daydream that great fun job you got without any hard work where you make a ton of money.

Love,

Mom

Read Full Post »

Netflix vs the Movie Rental Store

Netflix has pissed me off for the last time.  My only regret is that I didn’t cancel them completely at the end of August.  Netflix was a great concept, then they got cocky.  Yeah, yeah, you are going to tell me that movie producers and God forced their hand to jack up prices.  Or that they are having contract troubles and that is why their streaming sucks so hard.  I call bullshit.  I think Netflix is big enough that they have some power.  However, I really don’t care.  I maybe the lowly consumer, but I have some power, too.  And that power is to cancel Netflix and go old school.

I am old enough to remember going to the movie rental store.  It was so exciting.  We got to walk up and down the aisles choosing which movie we wanted to see.  Then we would race right home and watch it.  Times were good and I was young without the responsibility of getting the movie back in time to avoid a late fee.  As I got older, life’s checklist got longer and time got shorter, which meant late fees got more expensive.

SoHubby and I decided we would just buy movies.  At some point, most movies make it to the $5 bin.  That, my friends, is a long wait.  Us, being part of this fast paced, I had to have it yesterday world, that didn’t work for us.  Then we heard about this great company, Netflix.  You mean they would deliver movies to our house?  There was no special return date?  There was only one low price?  Hot damn!  Sign us up.  And we had a good relationship for awhile.

Suddenly, Netflix started to see it’s stock rise (literally and figuratively) and in my opinion got too big for their britches.  However, my love affair with Netflix started to wane when we went down to the 1 movie and streaming offer.  SoHubby would go on the website and clog up our queue with crap movies.  Movies that at that moment he would have watched, but would forget about by the time they made it to our house.  Here is the journey of a Netflix delivered to the Southern household: Movie arrives in the mail.  Movie is either retrieved from mailbox that night or the next morning.  Movie would then end up in my mail pile. I would get around to my mail pile sometime that day or the next day.  I open movie, say a little curse over it, because it would most likely be a dumb shoot ‘em up movie that SoHubby ordered and place it ontop of the TV or mantel.  Days would go by.  Days turned into weeks.  Weeks turned into a month.  When all of a sudden I spied with my little eye that little red envelope.  Then another curse as I held it up for all to see asking, “How the hell long has this been sitting here.  When are you going to watch this crap, so we can send it back and get a real movie?”  So as you can see folks, Netflix is genius.  They have developed a company where  men and women pay to fight via movie queue and have a little red envelope sits ontop of the TV for a month or longer  Don’t get me started on that crap they call streaming.  Half the time the movie wouldn’t play all the way through without several stops and starts.  Oh but that is our fault, why don’t you upgrade your WiFi.  Yeah, why don’t you bite my….be nice, now.  Then there was no rhyme or reason to the streaming.  One day a top movie would be on there, the next day some D flick you would have to pay me to watch would have taken it’s place.

After the whole rate hike, I was miffed.  I was calmed down with reasons like they had to do it, poor, poor Netflix.  Okay, we can understand the plight of the business when faced with things out of their control.  The dumb move came in when they decided to divide up the streaming side and the DVD side.  Um…exsqueeze me?  Dildo say what?  You expect me to bookmark an entirely different website to put DVDs in my queue?  Oh hell, NO!  I was done, but what could I do.  I wasn’t going to do that Redbox thing.  You want me to do what with my credit card and then you will do what?  Sorry, maybe it is my age, but I am getting the feeling that technology needs to calm down for a bit.  I thought I could just go down to my local Blockbuster.  Oh, but wait!  All the Blockbusters were run out of town by the evil, yet genius Netflix.  Then a light shone over me and the angels sing.

You see I live in a village, next to a couple of small towns.  And one thing that I am constantly told about these small towns and villages is that we are a bunch of hicks that don’t move with the times.  So guess what?  There is a Blockbuster right down a very long highway, but it is there just waiting for us to choose when to get a movie and forces us to watch that damn movie that night to avoid late fees.  The best part is it seems busy, very busy, which means maybe it will stay long enough to build up it’s force, again.   Who is having the last laugh, now?  Well, not the clerk at my local Blockbuster when I told her all this.  Maybe she didn’t appreciate my fine storytelling skills.  Maybe she wasn’t interested?  Nah, that couldn’t be it.  Or maybe she just wanted to get on with her life and didn’t care why the hell I found myself at the Blockbuster with my over energized spawns.  But I felt good.  I finally got to see The Black Swan and go WTF along with everyone else.  I even promised the kids that we could go back on Friday to rent movies and maybe some Wii games.  Then they ran around like I told them Santa Clause was coming to live with us and set up shop in the backyard.  And now my life has come full circle.  We will be release from our prison of the little red envelope back to the freedom of the movie rental store and wait for our implantation of our movie chips.

 

Read Full Post »

The Day I Lost it at the Office Max (or Teachers Really Do Hate Parents)

I have heard of these fictitious people who love to shop for school supplies.  All I see are moms with one eye on the supply list another on the kids, who are running around like mad people, and, yet, another scouring the shelf for the must have school supply.  She won’t find it, even though she has exhausted every store in the city.  She will come to you on the first day of school, wringing her hands and a small tear in her eye, and tell you that she did everything she could to find this item.  You will tell her that it is no big deal.  You can either substitute with this easy to find at any store item or you can go to this store that is only opened from 8am-9am on the third Monday of the 4th month of the 5th odd year during a lunar eclipse.    Today, against my gut feeling, I decided to become THAT mom.

Running errands with 3 kids is never fun.  It appears that if we are home for the day the kids complain.  If we leave to get some things done, the kids complain.  If their super cool and loving mom takes them to the coolest waterpark that New Orleans has ever seen they will complain.  Apparently, my kids are spoiled brats.  Well, after today they will learn what it is like to live in the olden days when parents didn’t care about their kids’ feelings.  Also known as the 80′s.  Momma is going to have a full week of watching whatever she wants,  cleaning without having to maneuver around small people, and eating when she wants.  And yes, that is a little bit of chocolate cupcake on the corner of her mouth. And no, you can’t have any!  How can I do this you ask?  The kids are punished.  Don’t worry, they will get an hour in the yard and their food will be slide through their doors at the appropriate times of day.

First let’s tackle these school supply lists.  I have had my share of tough school supplies in my day.  You can read about my first one here. Add the 3 kids and I want to stick hot pokers with the E.Coli virus on them in my eyes.  I understand that teachers have an important job, teaching our children, but does it really take 5 boxes of crayons and WASHABLE markers, 6 jumbo glue sticks, a box that measures 8 5/8 x 5 3/4 x 2 1/3 and a wire basket that measures 16 x 12 x 5 to teach the kids?  I hear in some countries it only takes a $1 a day to school a child.  Where can I get on that plan? Or are these things put on the list payback for putting up with our little demon spawns for the school year?  Teachers, be honest with me.  Just tell me that you put this weird crap on there so you can secretly watch us lose our shit in the middle of Office Max as our kids tear down the fire hoses.

Don’t think I forgot about the manufacturers of school supplies and the stores that sell them.  The teacher asks for 20 sharpened pencils, but the manufacturers make only 18 or 24 pencils.  Of course, they don’t make them all sharpened and you pay a premium for that little point on the end.  Also, can you explain to me why my 5 year old needs 60 pencils in Kindergarten?  Are you planning for them to reenact a fight scene from Game of Thrones using the pencils as small swords?  If so, I may not mind buying all the pencils, because that would be cool.  Otherwise, I am sure I will be handed 2.5 packs of pencils at the end of the school year.  Don’t scoff it has happened.  Or what about these oh so special colored notebooks that you demand request.  When I read that Amber needed a red single subject notebook and a blue 3 subject notebook I thought, “That ain’t no big deal. At least she didn’t ask for fuchsia.”  Guess what I found?  Freaking fuchsia!!  There was fuchsia everywhere, but I had to dig through a mound of notebooks to find the only red single notebook that Office Max had and even then I had to beat another mother off with my diaper bag to get it.  And the blue 3 subject notebook?  Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the baby is now working at the Office Max.  I hope to see her once she is promoted out of the stock room.  Last, but not least, please explain to me why Office Max has every fancy composition book under the sun, but no black marble composition book in all the land?  Who doesn’t have a friggin BLACK MARBLE COMPOSITION BOOK?  And why does my son need 2 of them?  He can barely write his name, I hope you are not expecting him to journal about his day.  If you are here is a sample, “Dear Diary, I am hungry.  The End.”  That is as good as it will get.

So excuse me if I lost it a bit while trying to talk to the manager about their weird sale on Crayola products when it was clearly marked on the shelves “Washable Markers” and my children decided to see if the baby can survive an attack from the exit door.  Again, I am sorry, I was DONE!  I had been to 3 stores (none of which are near each other), endured the constant stream of “I’m hungry. I have to pee.”, and the questionable lunch from Wendy’s only to discover that I still  have some shopping to do.  If I have an extra big smile on my face for the first day of school, know that I know that you think you got me, but the laugh is on you.  You will be spending 8 hours a day with my demon spawn.  Good luck with that.

 

 

Read Full Post »

I’ve Ruined My Son

During the summer there is always the chance of a lizard, clear lizard (someone said they weren’t geckos, but I don’t know what the hell they are) or frogs coming into the house.  It is a little frog party on our front door everynight, so I made a rule to come in through the garage.  I am always screaming at the kids and SoHubby to shut the doors so nothing comes in.  I HATE LIZARDS, FROGS and, especially, those CLEAR LIZARDS.

Earlier this week I was cleaning and thought there was a thread on the sofa.  When I went to look at it closer I realized it was a lizard.  So I freaked the FUCK  OUT! and ran to get SoHubby.  He works behind the house in an office.  He tore the sofa apart, but we never found the lizard. So I just hoped that some how it got out of the house.  FAT CHANCE!!

Today, Amber walks by the barstools and screams.  They have been messing with me since I saw the lizard, so naturally I thought she was trying to scare me without reason.  I told her to stop playing around and she said, “NO, THERE HE IS!!”.  Sonofabitch, of course when SoHubby isn’t home.  So Sam and I chase this damn thing around while Amber screams from the playroom.  Evie is still just playing in the living room looking up every now and then to see what the fuss is all about.  AMber gets on the phone to see when SoHubby might be home; in an hour.  No help!!  However, he says to tell Sam to just pick it up by the tail and throw it outside.  Yeah, right!!  After me yelling and screaming everytime I see what I think is a lizard he is going to just casually pick it up and throw it outside.  I have taught my son, and the rest of the kids, to scream at anything that moves in the house.  Besides, SoHubby won’t even touch a lizard.  I have to hand it to Sam, though,  he helped me the most by moving furniture, curtains, toys, etc. and came up with the idea to shoot it with water to chase it out the door.  We don’t want to kill it (yeah, I don’t need that mess); we just want them out of the house.  So basically, I have made my kids, especially Sam, scared of lizards.  Something that little boys should be chasing around torturing (OUTSIDE!).  On the bright side, I doubt I will be finding anything nasty in his pockets.

Note:  Before anyone starts thinking I am some little bitch, I will kill bugs and dispose of them without help.  Although, the kids will scream at the tiniest bug.  Yeah, I kind of ruined them in that way.  The rest of the stuff is…well, not my fault.

Read Full Post »

Big Girl Lesson #1: Beauty Hurts!

We have been doing dance recitals for 6 years, now.  And yes, I can say “we”, because I do most of the sweating, rushing, running up and down stairs, etc, than Amber.  All Amber has to do is go on stage, dance and hold still while I adorn her with her costumes.  I am the behind the scenes girl, which seems to be a running theme in my life, lately.  If you are not familiar with dance recitals hen you need to know that these costumes are always covered in feathers, sequins, glitter, complicated accessories or a combination of those items.  I have never worn one, but from the many whines and complaints of all the girls in Amber’s class, I have gathered that the costumes are not comfortable.  They itch. They pinch. They stick.  Why can’t I wear my underwear? (Because it causes lines, dear, and it specifically says on the costume sheet, NO UNDERWEAR!) And on and on and on, until a mom shouts out, “JUST DEAL WITH IT!”.  Okay, you guessed it, that mom is me.  I am always the first one to snap.

To further complicate matters Amber always asks for make-up.  I gave in once or twice and then I wised up.  The first problem with putting make up on a person that has never worn make up is that no matter how much they want it, their instinct is to fight it.  It ain’t pretty to have a fight with a mascara wand.  The next big problem is having someone who has never worn make up do the normal things they do with their face when they aren’t wearing make up, but are, now, wearing make up, like rubbing their eyes.  No matter how many times you yell at someone not to touch their face; they touch their face.  Then you are forced to go through problem number one all over again this time in a very hot dressing room with about a hundred other moms doing the same thing and the pressure of getting them to back stage on time.

I have drilled it into Amber’s head many times that if you want to be on the stage with the bright lights and the adoring audience then you must suffer.  That means make up that makes your eyes itch, not touching your face and dresses that are the enemy.  Of course, as a grown woman I know too well that you don’t have to be performing in a dance recital to have these same concerns.  Hell most of us, women, have entire shoe collections that are nothing more than torture devices.  But they make our calves and legs look great and they are oh so pretty how could we NOT wear them?  It is simply life as a girl woman.  I have saved this little tidbit until Amber is a bit older.  However, I think she is getting the idea.  I released my feet from their torture devices of the day and released a sigh, when Amber walked in and casually remarked, “Beauty hurts.”  That it does, baby.  That it does.

Read Full Post »

Cloth Diaper Burnout

I have a terrible confession to make.  I don’t even know how to say it.  Okay, here it goes….I AM TIRED OF WASHING DIAPERS!  Do I feel better?  Not particularly, because I know there are people out there doing their little smug “I told you so” dances.

Evie has been in cloth diapers since she was 3 months old.  I pushed through the blow outs with the prefolds until I got it right.  I pushed through the leaking of the one size pocket diapers until I got it right.  I had my washing routine down.  Then a few things started happening that put a damper on cloth diapers for me.  The first, and major, problem was the washing machine.  It is leaking and no one knows why.  SoHubby looked at it, although all that included was him lifting it up to discover there was nothing to see.  We called, and paid, a service guy to come out.  All he could tell me was that maybe I was putting too many items in the washer at once.  To which I reply, “Why the hell did I get a washer with an extra large option if it doesn’t hold extra large loads?”  Both men, SoHubby and repair man, blinked and stared at me until I threw up my hands and walked out.  To the great delight of the repair man, who doesn’t know why the washer is leaking or where the water is coming from, the guts of the washer still look good.  So when he called to ask if his brilliant advice of smaller loads (which puts a real cramp into my laundry routine) worked, I simply said, “I am going to wear this MUTHA out until it breaks completely.”  Or something to that effect.  In the mean time every time I do a load of laundry I get the equivalent of a small Mississippi River in my laundry room.  Since I don’t have something called a French drain (I assuming this is a drain that smokes cigarettes and doesn’t understand my silly American ways) I have been laying beach towels in the leaking spots and letting the river flow.  Not something I suggest to our civil engineers currently working on the rising Mississippi River problem.

Next I have been feeling overwhelmed lately.  I can’t pinpoint one thing exactly just a rush of little to major things going on that have been occupying my time to the point that if I have to dunk a poopy diaper in the toilet and run the washer 4 times at night then the dryer twice I might just go insane.  Another problem plaguing me is that my diapers are showing wear.  I guess if I was placed on a spewing butt daily for almost 2 years I would show some wear, too.  Heed my warning dear ladies, who are looking into cloth diapers, get the snaps.  Velcro is good until it is bad.  Also, they are stained.  Not that they are stained on the outside that you would see Evie and say, “GOOD GOD! What did that child sit in.”, but more on the inside where you wonder are these clean or not.  It isn’t for a lack of trying to get my diapers sparkling white, again, just Evie has had some toxic sludge doing in that region, lately.  Note: No raisins for her.  The aftermath is not pretty.

I have done the most heinous thing since I signed the cloth diaper contract, I have used disposable diapers from time to time.  This last time for 4 weeks.  It has been our little secret, but as what happens with all secrets, we were found out.  It was okay to use the disposable diapers when Evie had some rash that only Boudreaux’s  could handle.  That hippy dippy stuff made especially for cloth diapers was burning her butt, so I decided to go with the tried and true original butt paste.  Then there was the yeast that had taken up residence in the diapers that I practically needed an exorcism to remove.  After all that we were on our way until I found Target disposable diapers plus $1 off coupons.  It was a struggle, but I kept up with the cloth diapers, because that $14 could get me a few gallons of gas, right?  Then one day as I found a dirty diaper stuffed in the back almost behind the washer that I snapped and bought the devil of all crunchy mamas, disposable diapers.

I am coming to the end of the last box of disposable diapers and I am at a crossroads.  Do I buy another box, do I just hunker down and continue with the cloth diapers or should I take my own advice and just do both.  If you were a normal human being then you would just do what fits you at this moment in time and not worry about the rest, but I am me and I must torture myself until I am rocking in a corner mutter “cloth diapers” over and over to myself.  And don’t think potty training my 22 month old hasn’t crossed my mind, but if her siblings are any indication she is not ready.  Never mind the size issue.  Evie would have to wear a life preserver just to attempt to sit on the toilet at this point.  And remember the old saying, “don’t do anything that you don’t want to explain to the paramedics.”  So I think I will bite the bullet and take the heat and go through the stash of diapers, throw out the really worn ones and buy a DAMN! box of disposable diapers for when we are out and about.  Hey, I can always say, the summer is coming up and we will be home a majority of the time.  That would work, right?  Oh. Whatever! Go ahead.  Do your stupid “I told you so” dance!

Read Full Post »

My Hell (or what you all might call grocery shopping)

I am sure every mother of small children has a similar story, but here goes mine.

The kids are out of school for Spring Break and Friday is my regular grocery shopping day.  You might say that if I knew the kids will be off of school on Friday I would wait and go a day earlier or wait until SoHubby can watch the kids.  And I would pat your wittle head and tell you how naive you are.  I could give you all the reasons why I can’t change my shopping day, but I will cut it short and say, IT WON’T WORK and PEOPLE WOULD STARVE! Another tidbit to add to this is that I have been watching Extreme Couponing.  Combine that with $3.69 a gallon gas and I have lost my DAMN mind.  The short of that is I have been trying to save money.  Long gone are the days of putting anything in the cart and just paying whatever the cashier says at the end.  Now are the days of adding as we go, watching carefully what goes into the cart, telling the kids NO about a million times, and saving as much as humanly possible without warranting a TV crew to follow me around.

Today was the big day, the kids have been saving their allowance and they decide they were going to spend it.  Maybe Amber decided when I told her that I saw a Lemonade Mouth CD at Target and maybe Sam decided just because whatever Amber does he has to do.  Oh, the life of a younger sibling. Can’t wait for when there are 2 of them.  Amber was pretty easy, except for her constant interference with my parenting.  She seems to think her name is Mommy, Jr, instead of older sister.  Sam, on the other hand, had a major case of indecision.  Something that just might run in SoHubby’s family.  We walk down the toy aisle and Sam makes a decision on some spider thing.  Whew, that was quick and painless.  Moving onto the last little bit of shopping I need to get done and we are out of here.  While making sure I had the right size diapers, Sam gets a look on his face and says, “I don’t want this.”  There it is.  The indecision begins and there goes my sanity.  So we go back to the toy aisle.  Sam puts the other toy back and I ask him what does he want.  His big problem is that he wants everything, but only has $13.  He can’t decide.  SHOCKER!!  I get fed up and go to find Evie some shoes.  His whimpering wears me down and I decide that the third time he will certainly be able to make a decision.  Oh how people never learn, no matter how many times they get burn. It will end with Sam crying in the middle of the toy aisle and me saying that he can wait until his Daddy can bring him.  Why should I suffer alone?

We all pile into the Suburban to discover that we had spent 2 hours in Target.  Not usually a bad thing.  I compose myself and press on with the grocery shopping.  Next stop Winn Dixie.  They have tons of buy 1 get 1 free sales plus savings on gas.  Not my favorite grocery store, but a girl has to make sacrifices in tough times.  The trip doesn’t start off that great, because I had to wake up 2 sleeping kids.  Never fun, but doesn’t last long.  Although, I carefully look over the weekly ad online the night before and write down in detail the things I want, I still have to pay close attention, because things change.  Have you ever tried to focus with 3 kids buzzing around?  You might as well try solving the national debt problem.  So far things are normal.  I have told the kids that if they just behave we can be in and out.  And they didn’t hear a word I said.  I stop a few times to nicely remind them yell at them about the rules and getting home faster to do fun stuff, like eat lunch and maybe a nap.  The real fun begins at the check out when we are in full meltdown mode and Evie won’t give up the 2 packages of mini donuts.  I get everything onto the belt when Evie stands up in the cart.  Amber tries to get her to sit down, I reach over to try to get her to sit down and just when I think I have gotten her to sit down she falls over the cart seat into the back of the cart.  No worries, her brother broke her fall.  There was much crying and steam coming out of my ears.  I inform the children that their lives are over and they will spend the rest of their existence in their rooms.  And that is exactly what happened.  I might have taken my sweet time putting away groceries while eating chocolate donuts (BWAHAHAHAHA!) and cleaning the house before letting them out of their rooms.  That’ll show them.  I never remember acting like these kids  when I was younger, but I do remember many spankings.  I will tell you when I figure this out.

Read Full Post »

The Revolt

I wish this was about all the chaos going on around the world, but nope.  It is just about the machines around me and their desire to drive me freaking insane.  I have gone on and on about how crazy it makes me that things only have a life span of less than 10 years these days.  Yeah, that’s me and I fully accept that I  sound like an old man.

Our washing machine has been leaking water from underneath.  I could handle if it was spraying me everytime I turned it on, but nope it is on sneak attack.  It doesn’t leak all the time and you only discover the leak when you walk in to move laundry to the dryer and you get a sock full of wet.  I hate wet socks!  So I did the logical thing.  I gathered a forum of mothers and discussed it.  They had the answers, except SoHubby didn’t cooperate.  He did lift up the washer machine,  matter of fact he had it up on blocks only not in the front yard, and found nothing.  Did you know that there is nothing to see under your washer?  I didn’t.  Now, I do.   So the next logical step was to call a repair man.  He arrived and found nothing wrong.  Did you get that?  FOUND. NOTHING. WRONG!  Unless you count his observation that I had too many clothes in the washer.  Damn thing still leaks, just not as much.  Yeah, that was $87 well spent.

{Let’s stop for a moment.  I have a washer with a small, medium, large, extra large and super setting for the water levels.  And you guessed it, I packed that bitch like there was no tomorrow.  Do you know how much laundry 5 people make?  Correction. Do you know how much laundry the 3 little people make?  Amber is auditioning to be the next Cher, because she goes through multiple costume changes for the day.  I try to make laundry go as fast and efficient as possible.  Well, the repair man said that this is what was causing the leak.  I relented and started doing the half loads, which makes me shake my head, because what the hell are the last 2 water level settings for it I can’t stuff that bitch?  I would, also, like to point out this would be the time SoHubby decided to call me lazy in front of the repairman. The laugh was on him, because the repairman was impress that I was a wife that cooked.  I stopped the conversation there, because I don’t need anyone else’s drama.  We are all full up here. }

Next to go down was my laptop.  I still blame SoHubby for this one.  If he wouldn’t have touched it, it would still be alive today.  I sent it over to Geek Squad and they gave me the call.  Miss, your laptop is fried and we can fix it for about the same amount as buying a new one.  I would have been more upset about this if 1.I haven’t wanted a new computer for a long time. and 2. I didn’t save all the pictures on an external hard drive.  See there is some movement upstairs.  Still sucks having to learn new things and recreate the few Word docs that run my life, because, again, I am an old man and hate change.  I will scratch my butt and grumble about it for days just to prove it.

A few of the other things that decided to say screw this working nonsense and go on early retirement: the mighty Suburban blew it’s water pump. It has served us well, but choosing the time I am dropping Amber off at school was not the time to let me know it needed a little attention.  I think I blogged about the MayTag refrigerator .  If not, it is because  I have blocked that whole situation out.  Ice chests maybe okay for vacation or a hurricane, but not on a daily basis during regular times.  Smoke still comes out of my ears when I think of it.  Freakin computer blows.  In a freakin refrigerator.  You know the thing that keeps food cold.  Why the hell does my refrigerator need a computer.  Maybe if it was so smart with it’s computer and all it could make a dinner that my kids would actually eat.  It took everything I had not to beat the repairman when he suggested a surge protector for the FREAKIN REFRIGERATOR.  The oven which decided to stop, you know, heating.  Like the only reason you have an oven.

I just can’t take anymore revolts.  I mean if you have grievances, come to me, let me know what you need for us to work in harmony and I will take it under consideration before I laugh in your face.  You bitches work for me and I don’t like when things don’t work.  My kids learn new words when things don’t work.  Okay, they may learn new words other times, too, but that is not the point!  Machines were put here to serve and serve they shall.  Or maybe I will just cry in a corner and pray that the next thing to go doesn’t actually blow the house up.

Read Full Post »