We joined a gym. It only took twice joining the same gym in the span of 10 years for SoHubby to actually go to the gym. Maybe we have, FINALLY, settled into a routine. It only took 3 kids and 14 years.
There is always a little bit of guilt when leaving my kids. Some say it is good for the kids to trust other people and explore other options. They never talk about mom trusting other people and exploring other options. I use to know all the age developments, now it is all jumbled. It is hard to keep up with what is appropriate for age 9 then go down to age 6 and then further down to age 2.5. You would think that I would have it down by now, but since all these kids came out different and with their own personalities it is hard to know if I am acting silly, if the kids are acting silly or if we are all just going through growing pains.
When Amber was a baby there wasn’t much trouble leaving her and doing my own thing. That is not to say that I was able to do it often, but there wasn’t much guilt over it. It helps that I was told that I needed the time away from her and she needed the time away from me. On child number 3, I am rethinking those decisions and many times I wish I could go back and start again. I am rethinking so much that I am teetering on whether to send Evie to school for the first time at the age of 5 into Kindergarten. Almost unheard of in my little world. The new question I grit my teeth through my smile to answer is, “Are you sending her to school next year?” *sigh* That might have to be a post all of it’s own.
With Sam it feels like I never left him and I can see where that might have hindered him a bit. Sam was a different breed altogether. Where the girls are easy going and only dip a bit of a toe into the waters of battle, Sam does the cannon ball into those waters. It is hard to have balance when one kid is pretty easily guided and another one fights you toe and nail on everything. So we settled into our routine of coming home and just playing all day AT HOME. I don’t think it traumatized him to where he can’t function and it is hard to tell if some things he does is because I didn’t leave him much or just his bullheadedness.
Evie is only 2.5 years old and her personality is only starting to emerge. She definitely has her opinions, but she seems to know when not to push. Today she tried to push. It was our second day at the gym, which means it was her second day at gym childcare. Yesterday, she was fine. I think she was in shocked and was all, HEY, there is Mickey. Today, she was not having any of it. She cried and I watched as my minutes of my one hour of childcare ticked away. I stayed until she was fully into Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I was never into the sneaking away while my kid was distracted. The whole time I worked out I wonder what was going on. Since I was not called over the PA system, which still brings memories of terror of being call to the principal’s office, I figured all was good. After my 30 minutes (you don’t realize how little an hour is until you have to drop off, pick up and get settled before you can begin) of working out, I found Evie sitting in the same spot as when I left her. At least she wasn’t cowering in the corner and lived the ordeal to tell the tale.
As I picked her up and even before we did our first drop off I wonder if I should really do this? Should I find another way to get to the gym instead of dropping Evie off each morning? No one can answer this for me and I am sure I will look back in a few years and discover the answer, but for now it is one more item added to my list of my mom guilt.