I have heard of these fictitious people who love to shop for school supplies. All I see are moms with one eye on the supply list another on the kids, who are running around like mad people, and, yet, another scouring the shelf for the must have school supply. She won’t find it, even though she has exhausted every store in the city. She will come to you on the first day of school, wringing her hands and a small tear in her eye, and tell you that she did everything she could to find this item. You will tell her that it is no big deal. You can either substitute with this easy to find at any store item or you can go to this store that is only opened from 8am-9am on the third Monday of the 4th month of the 5th odd year during a lunar eclipse. Today, against my gut feeling, I decided to become THAT mom.
Running errands with 3 kids is never fun. It appears that if we are home for the day the kids complain. If we leave to get some things done, the kids complain. If their super cool and loving mom takes them to the coolest waterpark that New Orleans has ever seen they will complain. Apparently, my kids are spoiled brats. Well, after today they will learn what it is like to live in the olden days when parents didn’t care about their kids’ feelings. Also known as the 80′s. Momma is going to have a full week of watching whatever she wants, cleaning without having to maneuver around small people, and eating when she wants. And yes, that is a little bit of chocolate cupcake on the corner of her mouth. And no, you can’t have any! How can I do this you ask? The kids are punished. Don’t worry, they will get an hour in the yard and their food will be slide through their doors at the appropriate times of day.
First let’s tackle these school supply lists. I have had my share of tough school supplies in my day. You can read about my first one here. Add the 3 kids and I want to stick hot pokers with the E.Coli virus on them in my eyes. I understand that teachers have an important job, teaching our children, but does it really take 5 boxes of crayons and WASHABLE markers, 6 jumbo glue sticks, a box that measures 8 5/8 x 5 3/4 x 2 1/3 and a wire basket that measures 16 x 12 x 5 to teach the kids? I hear in some countries it only takes a $1 a day to school a child. Where can I get on that plan? Or are these things put on the list payback for putting up with our little demon spawns for the school year? Teachers, be honest with me. Just tell me that you put this weird crap on there so you can secretly watch us lose our shit in the middle of Office Max as our kids tear down the fire hoses.
Don’t think I forgot about the manufacturers of school supplies and the stores that sell them. The teacher asks for 20 sharpened pencils, but the manufacturers make only 18 or 24 pencils. Of course, they don’t make them all sharpened and you pay a premium for that little point on the end. Also, can you explain to me why my 5 year old needs 60 pencils in Kindergarten? Are you planning for them to reenact a fight scene from Game of Thrones using the pencils as small swords? If so, I may not mind buying all the pencils, because that would be cool. Otherwise, I am sure I will be handed 2.5 packs of pencils at the end of the school year. Don’t scoff it has happened. Or what about these oh so special colored notebooks that you
demand request. When I read that Amber needed a red single subject notebook and a blue 3 subject notebook I thought, “That ain’t no big deal. At least she didn’t ask for fuchsia.” Guess what I found? Freaking fuchsia!! There was fuchsia everywhere, but I had to dig through a mound of notebooks to find the only red single notebook that Office Max had and even then I had to beat another mother off with my diaper bag to get it. And the blue 3 subject notebook? Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the baby is now working at the Office Max. I hope to see her once she is promoted out of the stock room. Last, but not least, please explain to me why Office Max has every fancy composition book under the sun, but no black marble composition book in all the land? Who doesn’t have a friggin BLACK MARBLE COMPOSITION BOOK? And why does my son need 2 of them? He can barely write his name, I hope you are not expecting him to journal about his day. If you are here is a sample, “Dear Diary, I am hungry. The End.” That is as good as it will get.
So excuse me if I lost it a bit while trying to talk to the manager about their weird sale on Crayola products when it was clearly marked on the shelves “Washable Markers” and my children decided to see if the baby can survive an attack from the exit door. Again, I am sorry, I was DONE! I had been to 3 stores (none of which are near each other), endured the constant stream of “I’m hungry. I have to pee.”, and the questionable lunch from Wendy’s only to discover that I still have some shopping to do. If I have an extra big smile on my face for the first day of school, know that I know that you think you got me, but the laugh is on you. You will be spending 8 hours a day with my demon spawn. Good luck with that.