The Real Housewives of Suburban New Orleans

SoMo’s day begins waking up at the luxurious hour of 5:30 am.  She will hit the snooze button a few times and then stumble out of bed to greet her loving family.  There will be the ceremony of waking the snoring beast next to her which will be helped along by flipping on the light and yelling, “Get up!!!  And don’t forget you are watching Sammy while I get my hair cut.”  The large beast will roll over to wait for his customary second waking ceremony, which will then involve violence and swear words.  Next SoMo goes to wake her sleeping princess.  After much grumbling and chasing of the covers, as they are pulled down, Amber will arise in good spirits to start her day.  There will be the regular ceremony of arguing of what she can wear to school and the yelling of, “Because I said so, now just do it!”.  Next she hears the cries of Sam coming from the next room.  I guess the hope that he would sleep in went out the window when the yelling started.  SoMo lifts him out of bed, changes his diaper and dresses him for his big day of playing and having her wait on him hand and foot.  Finally, the large cranky beast has arisen and commences with the brushing of the teeth and slapping together of breakfast.  This leaves SoMo a carefree 40 minutes to take a shower, get dressed, clean the kitchen from a breakfast she did not partake, and make Amber her lunch. 

At 7:15am, after trying to herd up the one child, she must take to with her this morning and trying to find her husband, who has sneaked off to his office to “work”, SoMo and Amber are ready for their 40 minute journey to school.  There are breaks of silence in the car as Amber yells, from her spot in the third row of the dirty 2004 Suburban, random words at her mother expecting her to fully comprehend at this hour of the morning.  Amber is safely dropped off at school, after SoMo explains, once again, how to open the door and not to forget her lunch kit. SoMo is, then, off for 2 hours of me time.  SoMo decides to treat herself to a relaxing breakfast, which is received out of a window and eaten in the car on her way to the hair salon. 

SoMo arrives to her appointment 30 minutes early and sits around until it is her time at the chair at the ultra exclusive (Meaning you can get an appointment if you have hair, a body, face, toenails, or fingernails.  Hell, I am sure they can find something for you even if you don’t have any of those things.) hair salon in Metairie, LA.  She spends her time getting her hair washed and trying not to drown as the shampoo girl sprays her down with the hose.  Then there is ignoring the fact that a huge glob of shampoo is somehow dripping down her nose.  No matter, SoMo will tip the girl, because she did give a great head massage and anyone willing to wash and comb SoMo’s hair for any amount of time is worthy of a tip.  Next up 30 minutes of being cut, blown dry and silly talk with the hair stylist, the high of the day.  SoMo will leave feeling pretty and $94 lighter.  No matter her day will continue down it’s luxurious path.

Once home, she is greeted with someone in her parking spot.  Nothing will get her down, because she has a brand new haircut to remind her of the 2 hours she just spent alone without some small person hanging off of her or asking for a billion different things.  Then must commence the task at hand that her husband so lovingly ask for her assistance in, washing hurricane crap off the back doors.  The luxury just keeps on acoming.  SoMo scrubs and sprays the doors just enough so not to hear the wails of her husband.  Small breaks will be taken to be asked her opinion on net income and legal issues.  SoMo explains that net income on Quick Books is quite different from cash in the bank.  This saddens SoHubby, but he continues on his line of thought until SoMo throws up her hands and tells him to call the CPA and git r done.  Next on the agenda the legal issues.  SoMo reads through page after page of legal documents to determine that this lawyer went to law school so he could write 10 pages of NaNaBooBoo.  Okay, then.  SoMo laughs and continues on with her day.   

SoMo enters the house to hear Sam screaming, “Mooooooooommmmmmy!!” and she wonders how long has he been up?.  He has only been down for an hour, unless SoHubby put him down earlier than he said.  Sam is collected and brought downstairs to play in the playroom while SoMo cleans the floors.  At one time, long ago, SoMo had a housekeeper but hard times call for drastic measures and SoMo must clean her own floors.  This has been going on for over a year and she is use to it, but still dreams of the time when she had someone else to scrub her toilets and break their back cleaning her tub.  There will be breaks for kisses from Sam, demands of toys taken out, demands of food (After I finish the floors, dear) and evil little questions, like “Hey Sam. Should we give your kitchen to Sun?”  SoMo takes her entertainment where she can find it.

Now, she sits at her laptop blogging making it appear as if she is followed by a production crew, but the sad fact is that she must write this all herself.  Later, she can look forward to actually fixing her son some lunch, guessing what kind of snack her daughter might like for the ride home from school, picking up her daughter who will be disappointed in the snack chosen for her, and coming home to prepare for date night with her husband.  On the agenda tonight?  What will she get all gussied up to do?  Why, go to the shooting range where there will be loud noises and flying, hot shells coming from every directions, then maybe dinner at a restaurant with no children.  There is hope for a movie, too, but being that SoMo and her husband are really old and beaten down from day to day life simply going home to sleep in their bed will be enough.  Next up, Wednesday where not only does the day pretty much go the same as today, but for added excitement we add another kid to the mix.  And that concludes the absolutely, glamorous day to day life of a Real Housewife of Suburban New Orleans.