I know my limits as a parent and I know my kids’ limits. However, sometimes I don’t realize them until it is too late. There have been several Twitter meet ups, because it is fun to put faces to the weird names of people you are reading little 140 character quips to. I haven’t gone to any, because they usually take place in kid unfriendly places. I think anyone would agree that Galatoire’s is not ready for the under 4 ft and chicken fingers crowd. Coffeehouses are whole nother ball of wax.
I don’t really get coffeehouses. I get that you get coffee in there. I don’t get why anyone would want to pay close to $5 for a cup, but c’est la vie. I, also, don’t get why people would want to spend hours in one, working, studying or just hanging out. I guess I was the last of a dying breed that actually used the university library for studying and research. Of course, I went to college in the dark ages, 1990’s. Although, I knew of a few people that went to coffeehouses to study, but since I don’t drink coffee and preferred my soft bed to a hard restaurant chair I never gave it a whirl.
Back to the story. I decided this time I wanted to go and meet some local Twitterers and bloggers. I complain I don’t meet people, but here I was passing up every chance that was thrown my way. I had a feeling deep down inside that there would be a point where someone would come over to me and ask me to leave, because my children were loud and unruly. I was going to tell them to fuck off and give them directions to the nearest library. Oh how big and confident we are in our minds and on our blogs.
Things were going good. We arrived around 3:20pm and I bought the kids their promised treats for being well-behaved for our previous errands. HA!! What a crock that is, now. We sat at our little table for 2 watching Sun stumble around like a drunken sailor on shore leave walk around and discuss various craft projects with another of the meet ups’ older children. Amber being totally impressed with the foam flowers these 2 older, and incredibly cool girls, made. I had promised her a kit on our way home, if she was good.
Next we move to a slightly larger table, because there were more people coming. Liprap arrived with her adorable son in tow. Stumbling through Adulthood came in with a little dread in her eyes. Pontchartrain Pete was already there and working on more Absinthe talk on his computer. NOLA’s husband was there. Humid City wandering from person to person talking in a language only meant for the smarter of the species. That was all the time I had to meet and greet, because after about an hour and 15 minutes a woman came up to us and asked us, politely, if we could keep the kids quieter, because she was reading and trying to comprehend.
Okay, I guess she had every right to ask that and we had every right to ignore her. It is a public place, right? We weren’t asked by management to remove ourselves and as far as I could tell everyone was wearing shirt and shoes. Oddly, they never say anything about pants, which I would think would be the most important thing. I was stunned, because I thought the kids were doing okay. Liprap’s son and Amber were involved in an in depth discussion about the recent SpongeBob Squarepants’ show. It was too cute to watch them settle in at their table with cookies and milk to discuss this very important matter. Hell, they fit in more than the sea of singletons with laptops humming. I think the straw that broke the camel’s back was when the kids decided to give a game of chase a try.
I totally understand that there is extremely hot coffee, although I didn’t see anyone drinking any, and there are other customers to be mindful of, but could you give a person a chance. The game just started when the woman walked over before giving us a chance to quiet the masses and explaining the melting of faces that occur when hot liquid is dropped on your head. I said nothing while sitting there saying in my head, “Oh my God, oh my God! It is happening!” I was just shocked. I mean I had seen the disdain in the other patrons eyes, but I wasn’t sure if it was my normal neuroses, the glare of their computer screens or my wayward children, which are most definitely headed toward OPP any minute now. I left less than 5 minutes after that, because there was no way that I was going to get my kids to comply with her wishes and I really didn’t feel like having a breakdown in the middle of the Uptown CC’s.
Here is the deal: I have been feeling very vulnerable, lately. I can contribute it to hormones and recent news. It is just the cycle of moods here at the Old Homestead. I was filled with anger the whole way home. Were my kids really out of line? Was I not doing my job? Am I the bad parent that I perceived this woman was telling I am? Who knows, only the people that witnessed the event can really tell and I am sure there are several sides to that story. I am sure the woman got a mental applause nfrom the other patrons as me and my 2 children left the coffeehouse. I have boundaries for my kids. I take appropriate action when warranted. And most times, I can head off the meltdown, whether theirs or mine, before it happens, but guess what? I am human. I faulter sometimes and when it is so blantly pointed out to me, I just might lose it. I said nothing to the woman, because there was nothing nice to say. And I am trying to make a good impression, here.
I guess the lesson learned is that it will be a little more time, before I can take the kids to a coffeehouse, again. They survived Commander’s Palace, but the CC’s was just to high fluting for us. I still don’t get the appeal of coffeehouses and will never feel comfortable in them, which is separate from this whole ordeal. It is like society has secretly sancationed them as libraries with coffee. That is fine, we will just take our traveling circus elsewhere. My question is how are we suppose to teach our children how to behave out in the world when they aren’t given the chance? I could stay home and have practiced lessons on etiquette and restaurant behavior, but nothing beats real world experience. I mean we have just gotten to the point where our son doesn’t speak in tongues during mass. Loudly, anyway. He would have never learned if we stayed in the quiet room forever. My feelings were hurt and it was more about what the woman was saying about me than my kids. Aw, life always there to teach a little lesson and add a smack of embarrassment to get the point across.
Honestly, from your description it sounds like she just had her panties in a wad. I’ve taken my brood to coffee houses from very young ages and as long as they stay close and don’t shout, I think they’re fine. If she wants to study, she should go to a library – really! People go to a coffeehouse to talk, socialize, visit, all that – they make noise. If she wants quiet she needs to go elsewhere. Don’t let it trouble you.
Ignore her. She sounds like someone who’s always got her panties on backwards. Probably some nasty woman who wishes she could have kids. Coffee houses are for socializing. Let her go to the library for quiet. Kids will be kids and are supposed to make some noise so we can teach them what voice is appropriate to use in public.
She wants to be upset, I’ll re-wind time back 10 years and then take my 4 boys into the place.
It’s funny how now you’ve posted this twice (that we know of) and you changed the story each time to make you look better, but you really didn’t.
Kids need bounderies and you did not give them, now you know you can not go to coffee houses with our kids.
Take others advise and suggest a kid freindly place for your next meeting so you don’t feel like a bad mom again.
Good Luck
Minny, if you would like me to map out my entire day from the time I woke up until the time we got home, I will. If you read the other link provided, Liprap, then you would know that I am not making up stories. However, it seems you are hell bent on telling me how bad of a mom I am. That is okay, I will be shipping my kids off to a military school, soon. I wouldn’t want to bother society with my children at all.
And for what it’s worth, I posted this on my blog and another public forum, which I do believe is well within my right. Or are you telling me what I can and can’t post and where it can be posted?
What a jerk. Was anything or anyone being damaged? Or hurt? NO.
If things were getting out of hand, the one with the problem could have offered some help… rather than criticism. It takes a village, people.
I got your back, girl. Hang in there.
It is a hard balance–to go out in public with kids and allow kids to be kids and to be respectful of the public. I don’t think that woman was right, at least she was polite. But I don’t think you should take it personally. She didn’t say you are a bad parent, but that is the message you got. And FYI there was no applauding by the patrons when y’all left.
Minny’s comments are kinda what I expected. You shouldn’t take it personally, though I know it’s damned hard much of the time. Plus, in my comments, Holly of Cold Spaghetti made some more kid-friendly suggestions for meet-ups.
Got to do it again, even if it is in one of our homes. I can volunteer mine! The little guy really got a kick outta hanging with Amber. Then we can all plot together on a way to take over the childless world, ahhahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
I’ve seen the villiage. I dont want it raising my kids. Sure no one GOT hurt but kids tearing through a coffee shop is recipe for disaster.
I call it like I see it.
C’mon people…there are some who think kids should be kids and others who think they need strict boundaries. Most of us fall somewhere in between and we all have to co-exist on this planet. The best we can do is be decent and respect other people’s standards.
Clearly, this woman made her wishes known in a tactless manner and, in my opinion, it sucks to be her with her bitter, stay-in-the-lines type of attitude, but what can you do? It takes all kinds…
that woman had no brains or power of concentration. i used to go to loud rowdy bars to study because i could concentrate better there, plus take a break when needed and people watch. i think she needed to learn how to channel her energies. oh, i am mother to the most playful, energetic kid there ever was and do understand. it never ceases to amaze me that the general public feels the need to give parenting advice to complete strangers. it would have hurt my feelings too and i would have questioned myself at the time mainly because it always shocked me when I had to realize that there was anyone in the world that thought *my* kid was less than perfect.
Looks like I missed a brouhaha and meeting you too.
I dunno but maybe it’s just a matter of how much noise (of any kind) one can tolerate. I really dislike the revered Galatoires simply because it is so noisy that I never enjoy my meal and usually get a headache. So I don’t go there.
Coffee houses for studying is just plain stupid unless you’re able to block out external distractions. The woman should have left for a quieter place. That’s what I would have done.
Coffee houses are places to enjoy exotic coffees now and then and socialize. (For me) Socialization often includes children, frequenting public places often includes children. That’s life.
I doubt the woman meant that y’all were bad mothers….I expect she was just annoyed. Maybe tired after working a long day and looking for a little “wind down spot” before starting her next job at home, (I do that) or maybe looking up cancer treatments online having found out she’s ill. Who knows? I think there are times when all of us get mired in our own little lives and forget there are other humans around with their own problems. If she were polite I would at least give her credit for that – people can be just plain asses sometimes.
In defense of childless women I have to point out that we are often declared “bitter”, etc when we comment on children’s behavior. That’s not fair and it’s not nice and we appreciate your thinking of that before you make unkind remarks. (Amy)
I can see both sides of this scenario.
I look forward to meeting you, SoMo, at another tweet-up EVEN with your kids, because I know you are a wonderful mother and you shouldn’t let one little woman make you so defensive. Power to Moms!!
Funny, I just get the gist from this and the other place you posted that you are a poor disciplinarian that lets her kids walk all over her and then tries to pull the “poor is me” shtick!
Get a pair and be a parent!
OK, I want to make it abundantly clear that I am not the Charlotte that posted that last comment!!!!
Charlotte, I can tell by the pictures and tone.
I think that customer was out of line. If you want quiet, keep your ass at home.
However, I don’t think a game of chase is appropriate for any restaurant. I would have left if my kids were being too rowdy.
A little noise, ok. But obnoxious and people are staring? I’m out! LOL
Sorry you had a bad day.
I wish I could just zap you a little self confidence…
NO ONE is a perfect parent! Not a single human being out there… we all make mistakes. Most of us learn from them. From what I have seen, you learned that at this point in time, coffee shops are not a place for you to take your children.
Years ago, I was in the grocery store with my then 2, 6, and 8 year old. The boys were being AWEFUL! They kept grabbing things off of shelves and putting it in the cart, running around, and just being hooligans…
I finally snapped at the two who were running loose, grabbed their hands and put them on the cart (their hands) and told them if they let go of the cart before I told them they could that they would be in time out for the rest of their lives.
A lady heard me and came up to me and said “I should call CPS on you, how dare you treat those children like that”. With a calm that I didn’t feel at the moment, I told her “CPS’s number is XXX, go ahead and call them.” (I knew CPS’s number because I was a foster parent).
She walked off in a huff. Was I parenting the way she thought was appropriate? Nope… and if I had posted the story on a birth board I would have gotten a wide variety of responses from ones that I was the evil bad mom for disciplining the childdren in public to the posters who agreed with how I handled it and then at least one person saying I should of had done something more sever.
Find the confidence in yourself, you are doing absolutely the best you can do at this moment in time with the tools you have available to you. You aren’t perfect, but you are doing a good job Mom… just like all the rest of us.
Wendy, I love reading your blog. I just started reading blogs and don’t remember where I found yours. I think most moms feel somewhat insecure and it is especially hard when someone who probably doesn’t have kids says something to you like that. I say that I would take what she said with a grain of salt but I would have probably done the same thing you did. We all take critisism (sp?) to heart. That lady and her thoughts are unimportant. Your kids sound like they had a great time. They were being kids not mindless robots. You weren’t doing anything bad. You are a great parent from what I have read. Just keep doing what you are doing. I know which board you originally posted this on. Ask yourself this…. How many problems do you read about on there? i.e. marriage issues, trust issues, etc. A lot of the people who are downing you are just doing that to make themselves feel better. Hold your head up and just keep going!
“In defense of childless women I have to point out that we are often declared “bitter”, etc when we comment on children’s behavior. That’s not fair and it’s not nice and we appreciate your thinking of that before you make unkind remarks.”
Just an FYI, the remark I made about this woman being bitter had nothing to do with whether or not she has children. Hell, she may be bitter for some very good reasons, but I wasn’t assuming she had no kiddos.
In all likelihood, the woman who made the comment was probably just a young college student who was hanging out at the coffeeshop reading/studying. I don’t think she was “bitter”, just inexperienced with having children in her space.
Just a thought – you know, sometimes kids listen better to other adults than their parents, so why couldn’t someone else in the coffeshop simply say, hey kids, no running, to which the whole thing would have ended peacefully? it didn’t have to be said in a mean way, no anger is required. of course kids are going to have bursts of energy. they need to be directed. why is it soley the parent’s repsonsibility when it is in all of our best interests to socialize children?
why are kids in our society (especially boys, especially especially black boys) labelled ‘bad’ when they are simply active and inquisitive? when they challenge us, our society finds so many ways to put and slow them down. i find it really depressing as a mother of two sons in New Orleans in this regard. i understand why the young men are angry and i don’t understand why we still treat these young children as though they are bad, when in fact they are precious and brilliant.
Okay, I missed you guys at CC’s (was trapped at the allergist), but you’d have had to strap me down from saying something.
As a coffeeshop studier, I NEVER expect everyone else to be quiet for my studying. It’s a public place! If you go to study any place besides a library you absolutely have to understand that there WILL be noise. I have noise cancelling headphones, they are wonderful. But if I still can’t focus, I go home or to a library, because that’s MY problem, not anyone else’s.
I’m sorry that that woman and the handful of commenters above have taken this to a place it shouldn’t be. People in coffee shops are grouchy, and kids are kids. It’s not an issue of parenting, kids will always be loud, even if you are the best parent in the universe. It’s in their nature and it’s not your job to try to make them silent in public places. It’s unreasonable for anyone to ask you to. Just wait until they have kids.
And this is precisely why every university in this city has its own private library. Unless you’re taking your kids to the Tulane library, then let them have fun and tell the next one to kiss your ass, or something more profound and zinger-y.
[...] is the look tweeters with kids get from geeky computer nerds at CC’s on Magazine and Jackson. [...]
I would say that what you actually did was show that you ARE a good parent. Kids are kids, and if they make a bit of noise in a coffee shop, no big deal – adults have conversations, why can’t kids? However, when the game of chase started is when it became time to “take it outside”, and that’s exactly what you did. Appropriate parental response (remove from situation) to a normal child behavior (boredom, restlessness).
Who knew coffeehouses were the new library?
Um.. having almost 6 inmates I think you did the right thing.
And having been reading you for over a year now, I can say that I don’t see you letting your kids walk all over you. Nor are you a bad parent. Buck up sweetie, we all worry and wonder if we are permanently screwing them up, but eventually you have to realize that the best you did IS going to be a far cry better than you think.
And since when are coffee houses quiet?? Not in my neck of the woods!
I study at coffee shops all the time- the lack of *any* noise at a traditional library makes it hard for me to focus on what I’m trying to memorize.
That said, I expect some noise in a coffee shop. In fact, that’s why I am there. And I don’t mind kids (or adults) who use proper indoor behavior. That means babies might cry, kids might talk loudly and be, well, kids, and adults might have cell phone conversations at the table right next to you. The only time I get frustrated is when “outdoor” behavior becomes ok when I’m inside the coffee shop- but only because, well, go play in the park or at a gym if you want to climb the furniture & bounce around.
Sounds to me like that coffee shop was full of uptight crazy people. I’d blame it on studying for the bar exam, but that exam ended a few weeks ago so for once it isn’t the lawyers fault
Having a kid with some special needs, I’m used to being in the “judgment seat” when it comes to parenting. We had to be extra vigilant with Jake, and make sure to not disturb people around us when we went out. Some people are more sensitive then others though, and really-your best is really all you can do. Everything is a learning experience, and rude people are exactly that-rude.
Having said that, I once worked in a coffee house and (not saying this is what you did) was horrified when parents would use the place as a playground for their kids. Stuff would get broken, people’s coffee knocked over, and one child ran out the door into oncoming traffic. Some parents (again, this isn’t YOU) take the idea of “relaxing” a bit too far and then just ignore the kids and expect everyone else to keep them safe. Yikes! Maybe the woman had some experience with that and the game was the final straw for her.
It’s a balance.
Just let the comments roll off!