I found myself in the middle of Starbucks semi-yelling toward my husband about another contest I lost and how it must be rigged and it is no fair that she gets all these readers while I sit in oblivion. I might as well have been my 2 year old son stomping his feet and screaming because I wasn’t getting exactly what I thought I deserved. Seeing as I have a little more time on this earth over my son, I am scared by that statement: “Getting what I deserve”. Do I really want what I deserve and what the hell would it be that I deserve? Maybe it is not a million page views a month, but a deadly computer virus that jumps from my screen and eats my face.
When I pressed that button at the top of the Blogger page, I thought a blog would be a nice place to write some of my thoughts. As I pointed out in one of my first posts, my usual place on the Net wasn’t cutting it. Beside, I could control this little part of the Interweb. Oh, how wrong and naive I was/am. I can control what I write, but not what others do. And after that realization, maybe I am more happy with being in my little corner going unnoticed. I have come to the conclusion that I am neither a Blogger nor a writer. I am a woman with kids who knows how to type words and get it onto the Internet. Let’s face there are 5 yr olds doing it and probably better.
Sure it is hard to feel all great about being invisible when you read all the great posts about BlogHer. I mean there were parties, shopping, nude bathing, and merriment overfilling the streets of San Francisco. Then the reality kicks in and I know exactly what I would have been doing at the conference: becoming majorly lost, not speaking for fear a bone would fly out and knock out one of the GOOD bloggers, I would never nude bathe with anyone, and I would generally be in bed by 8pm, because I don’t drink and I get really tired in my old age. But again, it didn’t squelch those feelings of missing out on something big. I do have tentative plans to make it to the whatever it is BlogHer is bringing to New Orleans, but I make no promises. And I don’t know if I will be wearing my daring SoBloU shirts. I think maybe it would be nice to meet some bloggers that actually live within swinging a dead cat distance. (So please, pretty please with a cherry on top, if you live in this area and blog consider going. If only to point and laugh at the girl chasing a wayward toddler wearing a totally inappropriate shirt. I can’t guarantee that I will talk to you, but I will be wishing I was you.)
I stumbled upon some, hmmmmm…how should I put it, anti blogs. That makes me feel all warm and gushy inside. The thought is brought up time and time, again, and not just on these blogs, that those that get money from their blogs, and are mommybloggers, are exploiting their children. I don’t know how much I agree with that, but it does cause me to pause. I write about my kids, I show pictures of them and I think I might have shown them in a couple of embarrassing moments,. However, I don’t make any money off of them, so what does that make me? A stupid woman? A whore without a purpose? Or a really sad shell of a human being? Let’s think on that. I do wish I would have given this blogging thing more thought, and maybe found more of a purpose other than my kids. I can’t even lie and say this is a blog to keep in touch with far away family, because seriously, do you think I would ever talk like this toward my family? The only reason they know about this blog is because my husband, apparently, doesn’t know what, KEEP THIS TO YOURSELF means.
I have my kids on here, because I am surround by them all day and they give me a run for my money, literally and figuratively, EVERY. FREAKIN. DAY. I have realized that this parenting thing maybe one of the cruelest things that Mother Nature could have ever thought up. First we go through MAJOR changes to bring this little bundle of noise joy into our lives, then we are suppose to train them to not need us as soon as possible and guess what if we do our jobs right, they don’t need us and live happily ever after. This process seems to take time, but, as many have told me, not as much time as one would believe. We teach them to walk and talk and it is all downhill from there. They are telling us NO!! a million times a day, they are constantly walking away from us, and they definitely don’t need us as much as they use. Then there are the conversations that we get into that as a grown adult I have to wonder what the hell is going on here. I went to college and I am debating about Hannah Montana or SpongeBob. We do have political talks every now and then, but it is usually Amber asking how many days until election day and spotting an Obama t-shirt at Wal-Mart. I understand that this, too, will change and I have never done well with change. Just ask my husband who has had to talk me off that ledge many a time before. However, after all this, I don’t think I am a mommyblogger, because if I am not a blogger then how could I be a mommyblogger?
I just get the feeling that maybe this little selfish part I have for myself is too much of a sacrifice for my kids. Then again, can’t I just delete it and move on with my life. I mean my family is not getting supported from this, HA!!. Sorry had to laugh, because if that was the case we would be homeless stealing Internet connections. I hope to move on to more lofty ambitions when all my kids are in school. And I don’t need money to know I contribute to my family and my husband understands this as well. I do think I need a little pat on the back on occasion. It is just hard to have someone roll their eyes at the mention of your blog and then start her own, only do to it bigger and better. It makes me stop to pick the bugs out of my teeth while I eat her dust.
I know this, I will never be famous in any shape of form. I will leave that up to my husband. I will never have the most hits in the blogosphere, because, to put it bluntly, I don’t have that much energy. The sad fact is I wish it would have fallen in my lap, but what I am discovering is that I would only like the good stuff, please, and none of the bad. Maybe I will be happy with my little corner and keep entering these freakin contest, hoping to win or give up altogether and just buy the damn prizes, already. DOH!! I guess they have won, anyway.