I found myself in the middle of Starbucks semi-yelling toward my husband about another contest I lost and how it must be rigged and it is no fair that she gets all these readers while I sit in oblivion. I might as well have been my 2 year old son stomping his feet and screaming because I wasn’t getting exactly what I thought I deserved. Seeing as I have a little more time on this earth over my son, I am scared by that statement: “Getting what I deserve”. Do I really want what I deserve and what the hell would it be that I deserve? Maybe it is not a million page views a month, but a deadly computer virus that jumps from my screen and eats my face.
When I pressed that button at the top of the Blogger page, I thought a blog would be a nice place to write some of my thoughts. As I pointed out in one of my first posts, my usual place on the Net wasn’t cutting it. Beside, I could control this little part of the Interweb. Oh, how wrong and naive I was/am. I can control what I write, but not what others do. And after that realization, maybe I am more happy with being in my little corner going unnoticed. I have come to the conclusion that I am neither a Blogger nor a writer. I am a woman with kids who knows how to type words and get it onto the Internet. Let’s face there are 5 yr olds doing it and probably better.
Sure it is hard to feel all great about being invisible when you read all the great posts about BlogHer. I mean there were parties, shopping, nude bathing, and merriment overfilling the streets of San Francisco. Then the reality kicks in and I know exactly what I would have been doing at the conference: becoming majorly lost, not speaking for fear a bone would fly out and knock out one of the GOOD bloggers, I would never nude bathe with anyone, and I would generally be in bed by 8pm, because I don’t drink and I get really tired in my old age. But again, it didn’t squelch those feelings of missing out on something big. I do have tentative plans to make it to the whatever it is BlogHer is bringing to New Orleans, but I make no promises. And I don’t know if I will be wearing my daring SoBloU shirts. I think maybe it would be nice to meet some bloggers that actually live within swinging a dead cat distance. (So please, pretty please with a cherry on top, if you live in this area and blog consider going. If only to point and laugh at the girl chasing a wayward toddler wearing a totally inappropriate shirt. I can’t guarantee that I will talk to you, but I will be wishing I was you.)
I stumbled upon some, hmmmmm…how should I put it, anti blogs. That makes me feel all warm and gushy inside. The thought is brought up time and time, again, and not just on these blogs, that those that get money from their blogs, and are mommybloggers, are exploiting their children. I don’t know how much I agree with that, but it does cause me to pause. I write about my kids, I show pictures of them and I think I might have shown them in a couple of embarrassing moments,. However, I don’t make any money off of them, so what does that make me? A stupid woman? A whore without a purpose? Or a really sad shell of a human being? Let’s think on that. I do wish I would have given this blogging thing more thought, and maybe found more of a purpose other than my kids. I can’t even lie and say this is a blog to keep in touch with far away family, because seriously, do you think I would ever talk like this toward my family? The only reason they know about this blog is because my husband, apparently, doesn’t know what, KEEP THIS TO YOURSELF means.
I have my kids on here, because I am surround by them all day and they give me a run for my money, literally and figuratively, EVERY. FREAKIN. DAY. I have realized that this parenting thing maybe one of the cruelest things that Mother Nature could have ever thought up. First we go through MAJOR changes to bring this little bundle of noise joy into our lives, then we are suppose to train them to not need us as soon as possible and guess what if we do our jobs right, they don’t need us and live happily ever after. This process seems to take time, but, as many have told me, not as much time as one would believe. We teach them to walk and talk and it is all downhill from there. They are telling us NO!! a million times a day, they are constantly walking away from us, and they definitely don’t need us as much as they use. Then there are the conversations that we get into that as a grown adult I have to wonder what the hell is going on here. I went to college and I am debating about Hannah Montana or SpongeBob. We do have political talks every now and then, but it is usually Amber asking how many days until election day and spotting an Obama t-shirt at Wal-Mart. I understand that this, too, will change and I have never done well with change. Just ask my husband who has had to talk me off that ledge many a time before. However, after all this, I don’t think I am a mommyblogger, because if I am not a blogger then how could I be a mommyblogger?
I just get the feeling that maybe this little selfish part I have for myself is too much of a sacrifice for my kids. Then again, can’t I just delete it and move on with my life. I mean my family is not getting supported from this, HA!!. Sorry had to laugh, because if that was the case we would be homeless stealing Internet connections. I hope to move on to more lofty ambitions when all my kids are in school. And I don’t need money to know I contribute to my family and my husband understands this as well. I do think I need a little pat on the back on occasion. It is just hard to have someone roll their eyes at the mention of your blog and then start her own, only do to it bigger and better. It makes me stop to pick the bugs out of my teeth while I eat her dust.
I know this, I will never be famous in any shape of form. I will leave that up to my husband. I will never have the most hits in the blogosphere, because, to put it bluntly, I don’t have that much energy. The sad fact is I wish it would have fallen in my lap, but what I am discovering is that I would only like the good stuff, please, and none of the bad. Maybe I will be happy with my little corner and keep entering these freakin contest, hoping to win or give up altogether and just buy the damn prizes, already. DOH!! I guess they have won, anyway.
I can’t believe I’m the first to comment. I guess I’ll have to tell you like I told another blogger friend of mine…you’ve probably heard it before, but “joke ‘em if they can’t take a f**k” I hear where you are coming from and have been in the same place only mine was somebody not putting me on their blogroll and me getting my feelings slam hurt about it, to the point of taking to my bed.
To tell you the truth I got quite sick of BlogHer and all the hype and sick of all the bloggers out there hyping it, so much so that I took them off my reader. That’ll show ‘em
Speaking of the reader, you do know that you probably have more readers than you think because of the reader people only come here when they want to comment. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t reading what you write and appreciating it.
I love hearing about your family and like your quirky sense of humor and hope you continue blogging. especially because every now and then I need to some over here and visit the cajun yard dog to get my bearings on life
Thanks prin, and if you really want to be first to comment somewhere, this is the place to be.
“A whore without a purpose?”
Brilliant. I laughed out loud and I don’t laugh out loud.
Just between you and me? There’s no real difference between the A-listers and everyone else. Aside from a few superstars none of us are making any real money and we’re all still the same person. My family asks me if I still write in my “glob” and my husband hardly even reads it. Most of my coworkers and people I know in real life have no idea I even have a blog. And even when I’m at blogher, surrounded by people who actually blog and might know me I’m the girl hiding in the bathroom, crying in between trying to act like I belong. I have another blog that most people don’t go to and it’s not unusual for me to only get a few comments even though I think my writing there is just as good as thebloggess stuff. That’s how I know that popularity is flukey and fleeting and largely a matter of chance. Don’t judge your writing simply by your traffic because you have a great voice and if you keep writing people will find you.
Excuse the long comment…I’m just telling you what I wish someone would have told me a long time ago.
PS. For what it’s worth? That whore sentence alone just got you a place on my forever blogroll.
hell, girl you’re on the queen’s blogroll with a snippet for christ’s sake!. don’t let that feedburner thingy she put up get you down. hell i’d put one up too if i had that many readers. i am convinced that my feedburner is not working anyway ’cause i just know I have more than 0 readers…maybe not many more but at least 5. one is a stalker that visits my site 15 times a day, checks my sitemeter and reads my comments and sometimes leaves some cynical remark about how i could do things better…creepy…don’t want that do you? i think i fixed her ass though…put google analytics on there and took that site meter down. ok, so i’m talking out my ass now trying to get you to lighten up and smile. this summer has been hard on bloggers. i think summer must always be and those that have been blogging forever have learned to go with the flow…bet that’s how the blogher conference got started anyway, bunch of bored bloggers with no visitors, no comments, and nothing to say said whoa is me what will i ever do with my time this summer…they all went crying to each other and decided that they should all get together and celebrate their bloggingness. anyway i’m still talking ’cause i am bored and have no sitemeter to check to entertain me. lesson here….if you are going to put up google analytice, wait 24 hours to see if it’s working before you take sitemeter down. yep that’s me, react and suffer the consequences and inflict said consequences on others
ok i’ll stop now 
I want to know what the hell is wrong with being a whore without a purpose?
I feel so judged.
Wendy, girl, you are funny. Seriously. Don’t be so hard on yourself. We’re all our own worst critic and I think 9 out of 10 of my posts suck huge, stinky, hairy donkey balls with donkey dung on them.
I flip flop back and forth between writing my blog and thinking I’m wasting a hell of a lot of time. I think I should shut it down and get a real life, but I can’t make myself do it. Maybe this is as real as life gets? I don’t know.
I guess I keep doing it for myself because it sure as hell ain’t the money since I don’t have ads either. Frankly, I wonder what all the fuss is about having ads on your blog. For the amount of work it takes and the number of hits you have to have, it’s a ridiculous pittance of pay. So I keep doing it just for myself.
The Bloggess, I bow down to thee. And to think I didn’t even try that hard on this one.
Prin, gurl, I have no idea what you are talking about. I still don’t know how to work the WordPress so well, which is why I have a pretty bare sidebar.
To the Queen, I guess we all need a pity post every now and then. I am following your marriage saga waiting anxiously for each debate that arises.
And you know, I don’t mind being a whore, not in the real sense of the word, but without a purpose I just feel like I am showing my naughty bits for shits and giggles. Since they are not in such a fine state, as they once was, it is just real sad. However, at least I know my lot in life.
Thanks for all the comments. It really makes my skirt fly up. Oops, there I go again. Maybe I should have taken hubby’s up on the offer to go to the strip club, last night. (And that really is not at all what it sounds like, but I hope it leaves you wanting more.)
I completely understand why you’re questioning it all and wondering why others are getting attention. We all do. And everyone is welcome at BH. It’s filled with a bunch of cool women–and a few not so nice–and that’s what I’ve loved about blogging the most, the community.
I’d love to be famous and make big bucks from my writing, but that’s just never going to happen. In the meantime, I just keep writing because I’m compelled to–and I’d miss all the folks I’ve met (like you) online if I stopped.
Sorry. My two cents for what it’s worth.
Keep writing…damn the magenta BlogHer torpedoes and full steam ahead!
besides, none of ‘em will ever know what the hell to do if a Hurricane comes their way anyhow…
I thought about blogher… and choked on a chicken.
A room filled with that many people?? Actual real human bodies that would expect me to talk to them, not sit back as I normally do watching the mayhem.
Soooo glad I didn’t go. I’d have had an anxiety attack.
And what’s wrong with being a whore without a purpose? If you are, I’m a major whore, I’ve got more kids (Nananana) so I got whore fodder comeing at me all. day. long. Sometimes I wish the fodder would stop.
One of the reasons I read your blog is cause your just frickin you. Even when I vanish from the blogsphere your one of the 5 I continually read, I may not comment, but I am keeping track. Blog for you, blog for whatever sanity may come from it, blog to annoy your husband, just don’t blog for other people. You’ll lose you in the process. And from the looks of your comments, people seem to like you.
I can totally relate to your post. I, too, sink into self-pity sometimes when I read a great post by my sister-in-law and start to wonder why I bother because I suck so much and her stuff is great. When I started reading about blogher, I thought to myself, “that’s for the REAL bloggers”. I guess if I’ve got a page that I post on occasionally that makes me a real blogger too, whether it’s good or not is beside the point! I’ll keep at it as long as I enjoy it.
Blogher is coming to N.O.? Hmmmm….
Great post. I love your blog. As for blogher – I never felt the slightest urge to go join that mayhem. I started blogging for me. No one else. A place to sit down and type whatever I wanted- whatever took my fancy. No one I know even knows I have a blog let alone reads it. Make money? Not a chance. It’s just a way for me to relax.
“whore without a purpose” LOL
Great line!
I’ve been blogging for what? 3.5 years? My God! And I’ve exploited my kids in many posts, for a few dollars here and there. (I joined BlogHer last fall I think).
This year was my first trip to BH. It was pretty fun, but I can talk to a wall and have a good time, even though that requires more conversation and less gin and tonic sipping.
Also, I’m echoing what Jenny said. Do it for you. My friends don’t read either – my nonbloggy friends that is.
You know I love you.
That’s why you blog.
Heh.
You have just articulated what I have felt myself, so very often, about my blog.
Except I’m a whore with a purpose. I put the ads on to donate in my son’s name to the Children’s hospital.
I just keep blogging for myself. Because none of my family or friends in real life read it. Except my hubs. Because he knows he won’t get any if he doesn’t.
You’ll always be on my reader, as long as you write.
Cuz I like mouthy beyotches.
heh.
I just wanted to let you know that I check your blog every day to see what new adventures you’re having. I don’t comment unless I really have something to say, but I love your blog! Some of the shit you write cracks me up. I love your honesty and the fact that you can write about how much your kids drive you crazy, but we all still know how much you love them. I just started my own blog. I figured who cares if nobody reads it or comments. I am writing it for me. Sometimes it’s nice to have an outlet. I haven’t even told anyone else I do it. D knows, but hasn’t read it. BTW, you’re on my blog list of favorites, I hope that’s ok. Keep on posting, we enjoy reading what you write. If I ever get to N.O., I’ll be right there with you wearing an inappropriate t-shirt, kids running everywhere, and in bed by 8.
What’d I do?
Keep writing because you want to and f*ck everyone else. There are probably loads of people reading, but not commenting. I think this is the 2nd time I’ve commented, but I check your blog almost everyday.
I appreciate what you write, because it’s helped me find balance again. I’d forgotten that I was an individual before all this husband/kiddos thing happened.
We love you..
Wendy – I check your blog every day. I think your writing is witty and to the point. I’ve never heard of BlogHer, and I’m pretty sure my blog has only one reader (my husband), so clearly not in the mainstream, but I think the beauty of blogging is that it’s about what YOU want to write. Keep up the good work!
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.