I have come to realize that in my effort to make the summer less boring, that I may find myself away from my home more than I would like. I think I can endure as long as the kids are cooperative and well behaved. Where is that laughter coming from? The problem then becomes how much of my soul and money am I willing to part with for the kids to be good and to keep my sanity? Forget the meaning of life, how the hell do you get kids to behave without bribing or beating them. That is the question for the ages.
Yesterday, we started our swimming lessons. I had chosen a different pool than the past 4 years. I knew this wouldn’t bother Sam. Sam is not a big fan of the pool, anyway, and will be a giant pill no matter what large body of water you try to put him in. Amber, on the other hand, was my main source of worry. I wondered if Amber would freak when she noticed that we were in a new setting and had new teachers, which is why I didn’t mention it to her until she asked questions about the direction in which I was going. She seemed fine and not at all bothered by the fact that she has a male swim teacher this year and not a lovely big boobed female. Sam was just generally pissed that we asked him to do something that was outside of his comfort zone, but would lighten up when he realized that he could jump off the side of the pool. Boy doesn’t like swimming in the pool but would risk his life for just one more jump off the side.
I was worried, because I knew that we would not be heading home anytime soon and had many others to see and things to do. My little weird thing is that I am perfectly okay with being out in public without make-up; I am not perfectly okay when my hair is not just right. So you can guess pool water and hair don’t mix well, unless you are a Victoria’s Secret model. I assure you, I am not. I became one of THOSE mothers. We all have encountered them at the pool, sometime during our summer days. Constantly calling out to the kids, “Watch your splashing, Darlin, Don’t muss my hair”. All made up, perfect hair and trying, but failing, to remain looking as they did when they entered the pool. I couldn’t find an area where these little wild children weren’t splashing. It is hard to do when you are trying to teach toddlers to swim or have fathers involved, who totally do not understand that I don’t like their little flailing boy jumping right next to my head. So I just accepted that I would look like a cracked out That Girl! for the rest of the day.
I was very pleasantly surprised at how well behaved the kids were while we ate lunch and then visited the doctor’s office. Okay, they did scream and run around the doctor’s office while I tried to explain why I was there and what happened on Sunday. And yes, the doctor did expressed that he understood why I could be having ulcer/acid reflux (they haven’t decided which one I have won, yet) while pointing at the kids. However, the kids had not made me wish that I could still drop them up at the hospital and walk away to start my life anew. They were being good for the day and I made sure to tell them. Little did I know they were just fulfilling their duties to get to their prize.
The prize for being so good was to go to the movies. I would ply them with popcorn, soda and candy at the tune of $16. I said my little pray that Sam wouldn’t create such a scene that would force me to drag Amber out before the movie was over and no one would have to go to the bathroom resulting in us losing our seats. I have to say that I think it was more the excitement of popcorn and soda that held them captured than the movie. There was a few tense moments when Sam insisted on standing up and pulling on the chairs in front of him. I realized, that we were in a kids’ movie and nothing that Sam could do, short of shooting up the place, would get us thrown out. I mean I had already had to move out of the way for the thousands of adults shuttling children to the bathroom or the refills on drinks and popcorn. Not to mention the man in front of me that only paid with a $100 bill for snacks for his family of 3, which caused the teenager behind the counter to call the U.S. Mint for change, and then demanded a receipt for the transaction. I would like to say that is the only time I wanted to kill that day and my kids were not the reason.
After a long day we made our way home where Sam fell asleep and I sat all smug with the pride of being a good non-yelling parent for the day. Then the dark clouds rolled in and the demons came out to play. As soon as we walked through the door Amber started annoying Sam, even after I told her that he was tired and maybe she could consider leaving him alone for the 3 hours until bed. I assured Sam that he could lay on the sofa until dinner, which I didn’t think either of them would want especially after they ate their weight in popcorn a mere 2 hours before. Sam popped right up and started screaming for his DAMN DINNER, WOMAN! I prepared dinner where the kids claimed they would not subject themselves to my home cooked meal. How dare I not feed them junk and offer them carrots when they have been fed the nectar of the gods all day? When I reminded them that the junk food train had stopped for the day and they could eat the DAMN carrots or go hungry. Magically they decided that carrots were exactly what they wanted. Then it was time to clean up and go take baths. This would start a melt down and claims that I am participating in child labor and am the MEANEST MOMMY ON EARTH! After baths and things started to settle, I turned to Amber and asked her what was the problem with her? Why had she been so good all day, but as soon as we get home she causes trouble? And spoken like a true wiser than her years little human she tells me: “Because we had something to do”. AHA! The secret is revealed, all you have to do is run around town like a crazy woman giving your children expensive activities topped with junk food and they are complete little angels. I won’t say that I will be planning days like this often, seeing as I shelled out $56 for the day (not to mention what the swim classes cost), but it is nice to know that my children are capable of being good at a price to be determined at their will and rises faster than the cost of gas.
