In the Famous Words of Samuel L. Jackson
May 12, 2008 by Wendy
“I want all these motherfucking snakes out of my motherfucking yard!”
Well, that might not be exactly what he said, but it is what I wanted to scream, yesterday. I got out of my car, which can not be parked in my safe, snake free garage, and walked around to open the door for Amber. What did I see? A freaking snake! At first, I thought it was trash. “Hmmmm…what is this kinda long, black…OH! MY! GOD! moving thing doing on my lawn?” Of course, I screamed like the little bitch I am and high tailed it back to the car. I said in a totally calm and non-scary voice to the kids, “Okay, when you get out…RUN FOR THE FRONT DOOR! DON’T STOP AND DON’T LOOK BACK!” Amber had her marching orders and in between “What did you see mama?” and running her little butt off she made it to the door without being eaten alive by the large anaconda that had taken up residence on my lawn. I grabbed Sam and ran so fast, I think it counted as cardio for the day, to the front porch, where, of course, we were safe, because snakes never come onto the front porch. At least, not those polite Southern ones. They send out an announcement note and let you know the exact time when they will be arriving to EAT YOUR FACE OFF.
It took me about an hour to come down off my hysteria. I just knew that snakes were all over the house. I knew the one outside was just the look out and the others were waiting to eat my babies and squeeze me to death. I called the hubs, who was at the store for a big sale, and screamed, “THERE WAS A FUCKING SNAKE IN THE YARD!” Does he comfort me? Does he offer to come home and make sure all is well? Oh hell to the no, that would be what a loving husband would do, mine laughed and told me it was probably a king snake. You know the nice ones that eat other snakes. I would later learn that it wasn’t a king snake at all, but it probably was a snake that eats either rats or earthworms. Niiiiiiice!
Of course, I had to Twitter all about my experience, because what the hell else do we do in this age of letting everyone know our immediate thoughts right this MINUTE. I was, basically, told to calmthe hell down and that the snake was probably nothing. Well, in my books, the only good snake is a DEAD SNAKE. Oh yeah, I said it, kill all the snakes. Now, the snake league of the cute and cuddly reptile association will hunt me down and torture me with their snake knowledge: “Oh snakes are our friends. They are a great help in the eco-system. They keep our area free of mice and other pests.” Yeah, well can’t they do it without coming anywhere near me, my house, or my kids. Matter of fact, I would like to get a snake restraining order just so these animals know exactly how I feel about them. You know, if my blood curdling scream didn’t get his attention.
I have never professed to be a nature lover or even an outdoorsy girl. Quite the contrary, I have my place, which is inside my house that is snake free, and nature has it’s place, outside where they immediately hide whenever I walk from my house to my car. Basically, nature is allowed to exist, but are not allowed to be seen, heard or jump out at me. Oh yeah, I am talking to you, little lizards who torture me on a daily basis by jumping and running toward me.
This should be a good insight to my crazy for my therapist, because since I have seen that snake I feel as if I am crawling with them and I am convinced that an alligator is hiding under the car to eat us as soon as we try to leave. It is all based on scientific fact, you know the river is high and the kids and I look so delicious to the ones who run with the amphibian crowd. Further proof, will be how I am scaring the crap out of the kids by jumping and screaming at every shadow and the dog’s tail, because I am waiting for the snakes to come on in and kill me in my sleep.
Now, I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should be eaten by a snake, before I wake.
I pray the Lord my face to smack.
Good night and sweet dreams.
EWWWWWW! I had a similar run in with a Black Runner snake at our old house! I was severely traumatized and my husband reacted in a very similar manner! I know they are helpful and all….but I don’t enjoy them!
Hope you are having a great Mother’s Day!
I hate snakes too but my main thing is frogs! They’re not that scary but OMG! I can’t stand them. I have sucked up two or three with my vacuum cleaner that somehow made their way into my house (when I lived in FL). There was also another one that I saw as I was coming home w/food that was on the glass window next to the front door. I didn’t see him until I was almost at the door and just about had a heart attack. My husband, and anyone else I told about the story, thinks I’m a dork. The worst part is when I don’t see them and then all of a sudden they jump! Man, I jump too!
Mishel,
I hate frogs, too. I jump and scream whenever I see them, but since I always see them it is no big deal. That snake though was the last thing I expected.
Yeah, I don’t see snakes or frogs too often right now in TN but if I did I’d never leave my house. Right now I have to worry about the mice that may/may not come in when the weather turns into something they don’t like. So far we’ve caught two or three on the glue traps in the garage. The worst part of that? One was still moving one morning when my husband went to work AND he left it on the stairs!! The stairs I have to go down to get into the garage to get to my car AND I couldn’t go any other way to get into the garage b/c the only other garage opener was guess where….in my car! Yeah, I think I cursed my hubby out all day.