Sorry, All Full!

It has been so hard to think, lately.  My brain feels like grey pudding that has been left out. It doesn’t smell bad, yet, but it is coming.  It is so thick in here that I can’t compute simple everyday things, like people’s names, appointments and how to deal with a teenager in a 5 yr old’s body.

There are many thing in the forefront of my mind, these days.  None of which I care to talk about here, because not everything needs to be public.  Also, things written in anger tend to come back and bite you in the ass harder than if you just let them slip out the door without notice.  The problem is that I can’t just push these issues to the side.  I have tried. 

Yesterday, I did what I always do when I need a little mind numbing time.  I went to the mall.  After a few choice words lesson for Sam, I made it there without killing anyone.  {Sidebar: I often wonder what people think of me when they see me sitting there screaming at them and making odd gestures.  I know when people do it to me, I laugh, but I never see anyone laugh at me.  Hmmmm…}  My retail therapy did nothing for me, except bring on the guilt.  Did I really need the same shirt in three colors?  Did I really need those two necklaces, even though it was a sale?  Did I really need to eat that Cane’s, when I promised I was going to ride this Depression diet all the way to it’s fullest?   

The only enjoying time at the mall was making up stupid things about the people around me, while Sam and I munched down.  There was one lady who kept staring at us.  I wondered for awhile if she just thought Sam was the cutest boy in the world and plotted to snatch him when I turned to devour another chicken finger?  Or maybe she was a man recently become woman and was longing to have a mirror image of her/himself to pal around with?  Or she was very disappointed in her lunch choice and was smacking herself thinking she could have had Cane’s instead?  Then I snapped back to reality and remember, oh yeah there is a little girl waiting at school for her momma.  I was sad to leave my table and chair in the middle of the mall  to brave the traffic hell that is Metairie, but I don’t think Amber would have understood.  I mean I did make some silly promise about taking care of her no matter what else is going on in my life.  Really, we must read these contracts fully, people.

Another important tidbit that got me going was tonight was Date Night.  Oh, the fantasy of all parents out there.  It should not be passed up for anything in the world.  I had high hopes for date night.  I was hoping that George and I could see a stupid movie, eat a great meal and forget about our troubles for awhile.  I was mostly right, but our pesky problems kept coming up.  They distracted me so much that I did something I have never done in my life.  I sent food back.  There was nothing wrong with the food at all, but I wanted to try something different. I learned that I should just go with my old stand bys.  It seems that I, too, am not a big fan of shrimp creole, especially when paired with fried eggplant.  After that, I felt that the entire restaurant was out for me.  The waitress seemed to changed her whole attitude and I was sure the chef did something gross to my new dish.  I figured what the hell, snot (I am choosing to believe this is all it could have been) is not so bad and ate my dinner.  We left a big tip.  I wonder if I would see my dinner again later that night.

The movie we saw was not great, thinking about it now, but I was so ready to laugh that anything was fair game.  I laughed so hard at a preview I cried.  There is one line that keeps me smiling even today (Are those sad tissues or happy tissues?), so I will give it a thumbs up.  Because sometimes it is not how great the movie really is, but the things it makes you forget for 2 hours.  But all of this was just a small distraction. 

I am still swimming in my grey pudding and hoping that it doesn’t suffocate me.  I wonder how things will turn out.  I wonder if I will come out smelling like a rose or stinking the whole place up.  Maybe I will settle for something inbetween.  There are so many questions that will only be answered with time.  My biggest complaint is that I can’t just relax and leave this all to a power much greater than me.  I am such a control freak that I need to know NOW.  And only knowing NOW will let me relax.  I am missing so much, because I have let others take up brain space. I just don’t know exactly how to serve the eviction notice.  It is in my hand, I just can’t tack it to the door, yet.  I am hoping and praying (Yes, praying) that very soon I can take that hammer tack my notice to the door and walk away.  Whatever happens is going to happen and I need to be okay with that.