This is What Happens When I go Outside

I am not a nature girl.  I appreciate nature the way God intended for me to appreciate it, through my living room window where the temperature is perfect and there are no bugs or other creatures tempted to come up and say, “HI”.  Although, on a perfect spring-like day (is it spring or global warming?) I have been known to venture out and see what nature has to offer.  Most likely, my toe gets bit and I scamper by into the house.

Today was that spring-like day and I did venture out and I did get my toe bit, literally. 

I know I need to exercise, before my muscles vanish and my skeleton can no longer hold up my body.  I despise exercise and would rather do it without knowing I am doing it.  Bike riding, is not the answer but it is close and if you add music to the equation then it because less torture and more “Hey, I like that song and what is this my legs are doing?”.  I put George on kid duty and set out on my bike. 

We have a slight problem in our neighborhood with people thinking they can let their dogs run wild.  These are not little toy dogs that are just annoying yappers.  NO, these are large dogs that can rip your face off in under a minute.  The answer these neighbors always give, “Oh he just wanted to play with you.”  Well, playing ain’t pulling my leg off and using it to play fetch.  I had this naive notion that dogs couldn’t catch me if I was on a bike.  Apparently, in my mind I am Flash Gordon and no dog can match my superpowers.  That delusion would be broken, today!

I am riding around with my XM2Go blaring trying to forget the burning pain in my legs when all of a sudden here comes danger.  Two dogs hot on my tail, running trying to knock me down and eat my thigh bone for an afternoon snack.  Luckily, the owners were in the yard and saved me from a tasty demise.  These dogs were not your typical threatening dogs.  It was a Beagle and small black thing that looked like it was coughed up an hour ago.  And I guess to add to my shame I should add that a cat was thrown in for an even better story.  It seems that not only do I disgust human beings, but animals of all shapes and sizes.  The Beagle looked like most Beagles who have become house dogs, a big black, brown spotted barrel with feet.  To my surprise the lack of legs didn’t stop him from chasing me down.  He would be the one to bring me down and the other 2 would finish me off.  The Beagle went straight for my shoelaces and it was over.  I didn’t fall, but was detoured off the road and into a vacant lot.  I suspect better to have their way with me.  Finally, the dog owners came to my rescue and my feet were saved from an untimely mauling.  The owners assured me that this had never happened before, furthering my belief that Nature is trying to tell me something, and that they would put the dogs on a leash.  I continued my ride until I thought for sure my legs would fall off from pedaling.  If you are wondering, that would be 30 minutes of pedaling.   

After the bike ride, I decided it was just too pretty to be inside, so I laid on the hammock to enjoy so more music.  I mean I finally got this thing to work, I might as well use it.  After a few minutes, I felt stupid.  What the hell?  I am laying here staring into the sky, listening to music and essentially doing nothing.  I know what I need, my laptop.  The problem is that you can’t see the screen from the glare of that annoying flame ball in the sky.  Then it hit me, my husband always complains that I am never outside enjoying his company, so I went into his office where he is “working”.  When I say working, I am not sure what he is doing.  I see a way too long for any reasonable email going on his computer and when asked, he tells me it is to the world and it is about stuff.  OooooooooK!  I sit there, uncomfortably, for awhile and come to my senses.  There is no reason to be out here, trying my hardest to enjoy nature.  I could be in my house, sitting on a very comfortable sofa, without the threat of vicious dogs and nasty creatures coming for my insides.  And that is when I blew that popsicle stand and came inside.

I often get a nasty hair up my butt and decide today will be the day I enjoy the great outdoors and have some fun.  Then I realize that vitamin D is over rated and can be bought in a pill over the counter.  I believe this is just not me sending out these messages, it is Nature, too.  I don’t know what I did to piss her up, but each day she gives me a new reason to only bask in her beauty from the comfort of my home.  Besides, I have the moving pictures and that is enough company for me.